Listen up, Americans! In honor of Fourth of July weekend, we flag-wrapped, baseball-fondling, apple-pie-gobbling heroes at Team Theater thought we’d rate Broadway’s offerings on a scale of Most Valiantly Patriotic to Most Disgustingly Foreign. (We didn’t bother rating Off or Off-Off Broadway because everyone knows they’re as un-American as the Census.) Here goes, nation:
Top five patriotic must-see spectaculars
1. South Pacific. Here’s a golden oldie with hummable tunes and romance aplenty, portraying our armed forces as clean, decent guys who won’t say no to underage Asian gals. There’s even some edifying lip service about racism. Against it, we think.
2. Jersey Boys. Not to condone criminals, but this behind-the-music tale of the Four Seasons shows a quartet of Garden Staters who rose above their Italian heritage to become successful businessmen. And none of that hippie noise, either.
3. 9 to 5. Thank goodness someone had the balls to make a musical about the downside of affirmative action in the workplace. The victimization of a charismatic male employer nearly moves us to tears. Take that, feminazis!
4. In the Heights. We never take the A train that far, but after seeing this bouncy and spicy musical (or is that, musicale?), we don’t need to! Most magical part: There’s a blackout, and they don’t riot.
5. Shrek the Musical. Although the green ogre isn’t technically American, he is obese, fiercely defensive about his lifestyle and lives in a gated community. If that isn’t American, what is?
Top five lousy furriner stinkos to avoid
1. Waiting for Godot. “We are born astride the grave”!?! What the hell kind of nattering-nabobs-of-negativity crap is that? You don’t build bridges and launch wars on two fronts with such a defeatist attitude.
2. Mary Stuart. If we wanted a history lesson, we’d crack open our Bible. Speaking of which, these English Catholic and Protestant Queens both got it wrong: When the Rapture comes, it’ll make that Act II rainstorm seem like a warm shower.
3. Hair. American only in name, these dirty, smelly, ungroomed, drug-taking hippies are a disgrace. Hold down these Obamaniacs for a good, long teabagging.
4. The Norman Conquests. We lose 467,000 jobs last month and the Brits come over with an all-foreign cast and director? Are we patronizing this gaggle of job-takers? Don’t make us laugh.
5. Billy Elliot. As a discerning patriot once said: Karl Marx in a Tutu.
