After Sarah Palin’s chirpy-cryptic resignation speech, her legal bullying of critics and the resulting wake of rumor and confusion, everyone is wonderin’ what Alaska’s batty ex-governor will do next. A Fox show? Books? Just goin’ around the country stirrin’ up ignorant hate? She has threatened bloggers and other media with lawsuits if they speculate about possible scandals or other personal motivations and—being courtroom-shy—we don’t wanna go there. Nuh-uh. So we’re gonna call this glass of moose blood half-full and make an honest appeal to Palin: Come to Broadway; we need you. It’s no secret that showbiz comes naturally to the wink-prone ex–beauty queen who guts wildlife and English syntax with equal aplomb. We need her to progress the theater and maybe install some of those famed “efficiencies.” (We suspect that she read our patriotic analysis of Broadway and realized it needs an infusion of values!) Can Sarah make a smooth (and profitable!) transition from the Great White North to the Great White Way? You betcha!

Chicago
This is a no-brainer—and hence perfect for you, Sarah. Jazz baby Roxie Hart is determined to get fame, fortune and her man. She knows how to handle a gun and charm the public. And wouldn’t you look hot in those slinky outfits?

Next to Normal
Okay, this would be a real acting challenge but we know how fast you get up to speed on tough jobs. You would play a mentally unbalanced housewife who can’t make up her mind about whether to get better or wallow in depression and anger. Too dark…or too close to home? Okay! Next…

Mary Poppins
On a lighter note, we can see you bringing joy to children and parents alike as the resourceful, magical nanny of the Disney hit show. Mary is pretty, but chaste. Firm, but loving. She gets to fly! Like you in a helicopter…mowing down wolves with a semiautomatic rifle.

God of Carnage
This bourgeois satire was written by the French playwright Yasmina Reza, but don’t worry! They translated it. You play a mother whose child bashed another child in the mouth with a stick. That’s right…you get to play a pit-bull mama bear!

Wicked
Oooh! Get this: You play both Galinda, the superficial, hypocritical, borderline fascist Good Witch and Elphaba, the green-skinned, misunderstood, hot-tempered Wicked Witch of the West. You alternate roles on different nights, show us your full range.

Mary Stuart
It takes a queen to play a queen, right? Sure, all that 16th-century English history is booorrring and we haven’t heard your English accent, but you get to wear some terrific frocks and sign a rival’s death warrant. Just imagine it’s Hillary. Or that pesky Shannyn Moore.

Mamma Mia!
Aw heck: Why not just have a good time? Here is a story about a MILF of a certain age with baby-daddy issues, a soundtrack for her life and a glamorous past as a beloved entertainer. Theater, Sarah! It’s escapism for the audience…and the performer.

Of course, if Palin does land a Broadway gig, there’s a chance, judging from her track record, that she’ll pull a Piven and try to bail early. But that’s a risk we’re willin’ to take!