Team America

FRIDAY 20: Sake + rockabilly
Take your love dumpling to Forbidden City, the late-night dim sum spot where dishes like the salt-and-pepper squid pair nicely with an impressive selection of hot and cold sake. Then jive and bop till the wee hours at the Rebel Night Rockabilly Dance Party; revelers are encouraged to don white tees, slick pompadours and polka dots galore. DJs will spin ’50s and ‘60s rock & roll, blues and country, but don’t sweat it if you’re lost when it comes to all that twistin’—short how-tos precede select tunes.

SATURDAY 21: Profanity + burgers
Eff yeah! Celebrate marionettes and freedom at 92Y Tribeca’s Team America: World Police Sing- & Swear-Along. Trey Parker’s 2004 film will be screened with lyrics for each of the movie’s profanity-ridden ditties. A free beer is included with the $13 ticket, which’ll help when you have to croon “Only a Woman” to your lover. Afterward, pen an entirely different ode on the paper tablecloths at The Ear Inn. The bar, housed in an early-19th-century building, doesn’t close until 4am, and you can order a burger or roast as late 1am.

SUNDAY 22: Tim Burton + pop-up eats
“Tim Burton,” the much-anticipated career retrospective on the Jack Skellington–of-all-trades, opens today at the Museum of Modern Art. Cruise the drawings, paintings, props and other film memorabilia from Burton’s personal archives (think never-before-seen student art and unfinished project sketches), then bounce over to the PerkStreet Lounge (a.k.a. the 303Grand pop-up space) for an early Turkey Day. The “Thrifty Thanksgiving” includes booze and festive fall tastings of butternut squash bisque, maple-glazed turkey and pear-and-gingersnap cheesecake—all courtesy of local vendors. R.S.V.P. is required; bring canned goods for a local food pantry.—Shayna Courtney

The Pond at Bryant Park

FRIDAY 6
Yet another excuse to get hands-on with your SO: The Pond at Bryant Park, the city’s only free ice rink (BYO blades or rent a pair for $12), reopens today. If you’re wary of large bodies of ice, roam the Shops at Bryant Park, which house more than 100 international boutiques, designers and food merchants. If you still haven’t gotten your fill of worldly goods, cross Sixth Avenue to Kinokuniya, a Japanese bookstore; at the second-floor café, you can split a holiday-spirited chestnut cream cake.

SATURDAY 7
Devoted members of the Colbert Nation, get ready for some raw honesty. Uh, sort of. “The Truthiness Behind the Lines: An In-Depth Look Behind the Scenes with the Colbert Report Writers” is a mouthful, but we’re guessing the star wouldn’t have it any other way. Eleven members of the program’s writing staff, including head honcho Barry Julien, will break down the rise of faux news at this Paley Center must-see. New Yorker cartoonist Zachary Kanin will moderate the panel, which’ll also field user-submitted questions (if time permits). Afterward, rehash the night’s epiphanies over two glasses of Smiling Pumpkin Ale at the nearby Heartland Brewery & Chop House.

SATURDAY 7, SUNDAY 8
KingCon: A Brooklyn Comic and Animation Convention is about as badass as comics-geekdom gets, and the Brooklyn Lyceum is the ultimate date spot for fanboys/girls. The two-day convention boasts panels featuring American Splendor creator Harvey Pekar, Mad magazine cartoonists, Marvel authors and more. You can shop for vintage comics, bone up on Batman history and even enter a LolCat captioning contest. If all that superhero talk works up an appetite, grab empanadas and other Latin American fare at Palo Santo, about a minute’s walk away.—Shayna Courtney

Costumers at last year's parade.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29
You don’t have to be a frat dude or sorority dudette to enjoy the inexplicable and goofy antics featured on the popular CollegeHumor website. (A deep-seated love for beer pong and Bud Light, though, is a whole other thing.) Don’t believe us? Take your sweetie pie to CollegeHumor Live, where the hosts tend to dabble in everything from pie to puppets. Before the show, stop into F&B Güdtfood for dogs and fries done better than your college self could’ve imagined.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30
The House of Yes is a tucked-away venue that deals in the quintessentially quirky: how-to classes, burlesque performances and acrobatic acts give a shout-out to pretty much every interest under the sun. Just in time for Halloween, the Haunted House of Yes is doing it big, as usual. Performances, installation and video artists, musicians and comedians are all part of the demented, no-holds-barred haunted house experience that’s so crazy, the folks at the door are asking for signed waivers. Gulp. If you and your beau experience sensory overload, skip out early and walk to Life Café Nine 83 where the kitchen is open until 1am and the atmosphere should be a little more soothing.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31
Catch the 36th annual Village Halloween Parade on Sixth Avenue from Spring to 21st Sts. Don your best Bert and Ernie or Barack and Michelle getups, and you and yours can hop into the action and join the parade! The procession of bands, dancers, puppets and other costumed New Yorkers begins at 7pm. Next, the Rescue! Zombie Invasion Dance Party at Sapphire Lounge promises all zombied-out attendees can “dance ’til your dead.” Hey, we’d throw correct grammar to the wind in a zombie invasion, too.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1
Halloween may have passed, but fret not, ghoul-loving twosome, there are still frightening options for today—like the Gotham City Ghost Tour, which includes stops at some haunted sites in Greenwich Village (the Edgar Allan Poe house, the burial ground at Washington Square, the cemetery at St. Mark’s church and more). When you’re nice and spooked, head to the Village’s renovated and reopened Minetta Tavern. Reservations are recommended so plan ahead—the Black Label burger is worth it.—Shayna Courtney

Friday 23
Squeeze your boo till she/he screams (or cries) at Nightmare: Vampires (Noho Event Center, 623 Broadway at Houston St; hauntedhousenyc.com; 6–11pm, through Nov 7; $30–$60). Timothy Haskell’s gorefest starts off innocently—with a tour through a Museum of Vampyric Artifacts—but then something goes terribly wrong and you’re left to navigate a two-story haunted house. If you haven’t lost your appetite, bounce over to the garishly lit Gonzalez y Gonzalez (625 Broadway between Bleecker and W Houston Sts; 212-473-8787, arkrestaurants.com). It’s open till 4am, and happily hands out two-for-one lime margaritas to folks bearing Nightmare ticket stubs.

Saturday 24
The target demographic may be six and under, but eff it—we wanna play at the Central Park Pumpkin Festival too! Join costume-clad kiddies for a scarecrow design competition, a stroll through the pumpkin patch or a wagon-drawn hayride around the park (Central Park at E 72nd St and Fifth Ave, nycgovparks.org; noon–5pm, free). When the fest winds down, head to veg haven Candle Cafe (1307 Third Ave between 74th and 75th Sts; 212-472-0970, candlecafe.com) for more squashy action—like pumpkinseed-encrusted tofu topped with avocado salad.

Sunday 25
Grandma was right: The fastest way to our heart is through our stomach. Sign up for Myra Alperson’s three-hour Williamsburg Noshwalk (meet at 348 Roebling St between Division Ave and South 9th St, noshwalks.com; 1pm, $16–$45). The foodie guide will note interesting architectural and historical facts en route to the borough’s best kosher bakeries and Hasidic markets. L’chayim!—Shayna Courtney

Liger Beat, the anonymous Brooklyn “magazine for ladies who love the d,” is having its mojo messed with…big time. It seems the name Liger Beat bears too great a resemblance to a teenybopper mag’s moniker, and now the publication’s legal team has been called in for cockblock duty. Read the cease-and-desist order in full at Liger Beat’s blog; you might be surprised to find that the letter threatens to reveal the identities of every staffer if their demands aren’t met! Don’t panic, though, dudette and dude readers. Liger Beat will remain your trusted fix for the male member, only with a different name. Help them pick one and send your suggestions to ligerbeat@gmail.com by Sunday 11. Our favorite possible title-to-be as of now? Baloney Pony.—Shayna Courtney

An Evening Without Monty Python

THURSDAY 8
No plans for tonight? No money either? Try Broke-Ass Stuart’s Fuck the Recession Party for a night of free beer, live music and circus acts (complete with clown burlesque performances, bouncy rides, tarot readings and a sex advice booth). Sign up here and pay just a $3 cover (it’s $5 at the door). After, head to BRGR to build your own sandwich or slurp an ice cream shake–with two straws, of course.

FRIDAY 9
Start the night with your snookums at Cafe con Leche and gaze into each other’s eyes over garlic bread, Cuban-inspired dishes and flavor-infused margaritas. Pop some breath mints and head to one of the coolest venues ever: The Museum of Natural History. The Fader magazine presents the latest edition of their One Step Beyond monthly series, a night of partying among planets and spaceships. The ticket price includes a showing of Journey to the Stars, Hayden Planetarium’s newest Space Show narrated by Whoopi Goldberg, and a pass for a free future Museum visit. Raven-haired songstress-slash-rapper Amanda Blank and DJs Devlin and Darko supply the beats.

SATURDAY 10
An Evening Without Monty Python may not include a performance from original Python Eric Idle, but he’s co-directing a handful of comedians as they revitalize classic skits and songs for the 40th anniversary of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Tonight’s performance marks your last chance to revisit the Lumberjack Song or the Ministry of Silly Walks so we strong suggest you go. Quote the show for the rest of the night at nearby O’Lunney’s Pub (145 W 45th St between Sixth and Seventh Aves; 212-840-6688) where the lively crowd is a mixture of regulars and Times Square tourists.

SUNDAY 11
Meet the artists behind the studios, galleries and new exhibitions that are part of  the growing Harlem scene at artHarlem’s 5th Annual Open Artist Studio Tour. You can check out almost 100 artists in their workspaces and have the opportunity to purchase their work. Midday, take a break at SpaHa Café for warm Jasmine tea or a fruit tart topped with mangoes, apples, raspberries and blackberries. Nearby Mount Morris Park, also known by its official moniker, Marcus Garvey Park, is a perfect spot to snack and stroll.—Shayna Courtney

Photographs by Jolie Ruben

Six finalists, including two New Yorkers, competed in last night’s Ultimate Pole Dance Competition at the Highline Ballroom. As we watched the girls warm up backstage (holy limber!), we realized that very little about this sport is precalculated. In fact, a dancer can count on only three things, and must wing it till everything else falls into place:

(1) The pole cleaners
After each gravity-defying performance, three designated “pole techs” in knee-high black patent boots and butt-hugging plastic shorts climbed onto the stage, shimmied up the poles and slid slowly down, alcohol-doused rags in hand. “It can’t be greasy,” says pole tech Seraphine Naeymi, also a dance instructor at Chelsea’s S Factor. “It’s all about restoring traction. Every part of the body has to get a good grip.” She also explained why, to our mild horror, one dancer was splashing her stomach and thighs with hand sanitizer: “Oh, she’s just eliminating body oils.”

(2) The pole
“It’s my energy source, my empowerment—whenever I dance, I feel like a vampire, otherworldly, like I have powers no human should have.” That’s Alethea Austin, a tattooed finalist from Los Angeles. And she’s serious about that pole; she turned to dancing as physical therapy after a car accident.

(3) The music
No matter how you dance—slow and sensual, with writhing floor action or a high-energy whip around the metal—the moment the houselights dim and the dancer appears on stage, the music controls everything. “All I have to do is hear it, and I can see the routine in my head,” says finalist Marlo. “I picture exactly what I have to do next.” (In her case, next involved gyrating hip-hop madness.)

All said and done, those three constants added up to one big win for Barbara Dial, another instructor from S Factor (and the only contestant to take the stage barefoot). “I chose not to wear heels, so that I could feel with every line of my body when I performed,” she says. Her routine, coupled with a blaring Marilyn Manson soundtrack, stole the show. Dial went home with $10,000 and a pendant from Jacob & Co., and we went home and rubbed our bodies with hand sanitizer.—Shayna Courtney

Toy Story

THURSDAY 1
Procrastinators, rejoice! You still have time to impress your date, thanks to storyteller extraordinaire Ophira Eisenberg. She’s hosting The Liar Show tonight at Comix…you know, like, in 45 minutes. Comedians Andy Christie, Martin Dockery and Faye Lane will take the stage and tell one story each—but one of ‘em’s a big fat liar. Can you tell who’s trying to pull the wool over your eyes? Rousing cross-examinations and audience interrogation could expose the liar, but the show features such coolly told tales, Kambri Crews, director of PR at Comix, has yet to spot the fake. Afterward, it’s just a five-minute walk to Fatty Crab, where you and the bunny-wunny can fill up on scrumptiously fried and sugared “fatty duck.”

FRIDAY 2
Is there anyone alive who can resist the charm of Woody, Buzz & Co.? Join the gang when Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3-D opens in theaters today. The hype for next summer’s third installment is going to be phenomenal, and we suggest getting a jump on the madness by hunkering down with your honey for this double feature. Skip the popcorn and head to Veloce Pizzeria in the East Village instead; top pies include a porchetta sausage with rosemary and fennel pollen, and a sfincione with anchovies, capers and bread crumbs.

FRIDAY 2
You can get lost in BF/GF’s eyes any ol’ time; tonight, guide your sweetums through You Are Here, a Brooklyn maze chock-full of musicians and artists. Navigate the labyrinth correctly and you’ll be rewarded with a performance by sound artist Noveller or a jammin’ guitar set by Mick Barr. Head over to Jimmy’s Diner for Southern grub, like the Williamsburger or deep-fried deviled eggs, before wrapping your night with even more music.  Tragedy: An All-Metal Tribute to the Bee Gees is disco-thrashing its way through Brooklyn Bowl; the three-dude cover band is said to play a pretty mean version of “Stayin’ Alive.” Openers Johnny Headband and .357 Lover round out the mo’ metal show.

SATURDAY 3
Behold the aphrodisiac wonder in all its glory at the Grand Central Oyster Frenzy. Down the mollusks at your leisure or enter the slurp-off and try to put away 12 in a minute. The festival’s last (and only free) day ends with shucking contests and cooking demos. When night falls, grab your oyster-filled baby and plant yourselves at the Floating Kabarette One-Year Anniversary Spectacular. The blowout marks Galapagos’s first full year in Dumbo, and features quirky performances and free haircuts (courtesy of Galapagos’s resident stylist).

SUNDAY 4
Whoa! The Manhattan Bridge turns 100 today. Salute the landmark, flaws and all, with fireworks at 7pm—or check out one of nearly a dozen other celebratory events. Bring a blanket, cuddle and watch in awe as the pyrotechnic display, coupled with the Manhattan School of Music Brass Quintet, make the bridge look beautiful. Warm up afterward by heading to café/music venue Cake Shop for a cup o’ joe and a vegan dessert anyone can appreciate.—Shayna Courtney

*Stick-on jewels can bedazzle any genitalia—just ask the World Famous *BOB*, pictured above.—Shayna Courtney

A wanna-be cover boy strips to his American Apparel undies.

Here’s what we learned at last night’s Ligerbeat Coverdude Contest at Happy Ending Lounge, where nearly a dozen strapping young lads competed for the sex mag’s greatest honor:

* If 11 hot guys stand atop a banquette and there’s even the slightest possibility that one of them might get naked, mayhem will ensue (e.g., “Show me dick!” chants).

* Hard-core porn looks much artier when projected on the wall behind a DJ booth.

* A body shot can be taken from the waistband of a boy’s jeans—or if he’s dapper enough, from his bow tie.

* If a gentleman seems bashful about showing the world his ween, the world only wants to see it that much more.

Here’s what we didn’t learn at last night’s Ligerbeat Coverdude Contest at Happy Ending Lounge:

* Who the winner was. Two dicks, one butt and a brief-clad boner made cameos before the whole thing dissolved, ending with two “finalists” making out with a Ligerbeat editrix. Tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.—Shayna Courtney

You can almost hear it in his work—the unintelligible screams, the crashing drums, the slapped-out bass chords. This isn’t just any punk scene, though; amid the sea of greasy hair and furiously bobbing heads stands an adoring fan-girl wearing a hijab, the traditional Muslim head covering. Photographer Kim Badawi has been documenting the Taqwacore genre—and the lifestyle of the second-generation Muslims who swear by it—since 2006. His stunning coffeetable book, The Taqwacores: Muslim Punk in the USA, collects the best of those pics. Says Badawi, “Many have tried to repackage these terms in documentaries and visual essays, but photography gave me [a] fly-on-the-wall presence.”

Ogle his work at tonight’s reception at powerHouse Arena (the exhibit will remain on view through October 25), and rock out to an 8pm performance by the Kominas, a Boston-based Punjabi-Taqwacore punk band. R.S.V.P. to rsvp@powerhousearena.com.—Shayna Courtney

David Cross

Landed yourself a hot little tamale, but have no idea what to do with him/her? We so deserve sainthood for saving your butt here…

Thursday 17 Prove you’re a team for the storybooks at tonight’s Don’t Know Much About Literature Quiz Show, hosted by Ken Davis at Housing Works Bookstore Cafe. You and the honey can go head-to-head against book bloggers during multiple rounds of trivia, or just sip wine from the sidelines. Afterward, Housing Works’ event producer Rachel Fershleiser recommends a stop at open-till-midnight gelato haunt Ciao Bella (285 Mott St between E Houston and Prince Sts, 212-431-3591). (’Cause nothing goes better with Thomas Pynchon trivia than a little tongue action.)

Friday 18 The Rubin Museum of Art may just be the city’s finest all-in-one date spot. Enjoy two-for-one cocktails from 6 to 7pm, tour the gallery free till 10pm, or snuggle up with your sweetie during an acoustic concert. The museum screens Clue at 9:30pm; viewing is complimentary if you drop $7 at the bar. (C’mon, cheapo, this is a date!) Follow up the classic whodunit with a midnight bite at the 24-hour Cafeteria, RMA communications coordinator Alanna Schindewolf’s favorite nearby spot.

Three more awesome dates after the jump… Read more »