1. The star of Next Friday and Friday After Next, headlining the Beacon Theatre Saturday night, has a wide fan base. Blacks, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Asians—all got ridiculed. “White people, thank you for coming. I didn’t know ya’ll know who I am,” he said, soon doing a white person’s voice: “‘Uh, Mr. Chips? Honey, let’s go see this Mr. Chips.? Omar Epps’s nephew?” (He was also the black guy in The Hangover, if that helps. No? Hello?)

2. Epps is a physical actor, mimicking a crackhead and a fat chick, and punctuating every joke with a scrunched face or lip jut (something he’s perfected onscreen; check out minute 6:20 of this clip). Otherwise, his stand-up was observational and way broad, covering the usual (sex, money, men versus women) with only a few sharp barbs. One good one was about the recession: “When white people lose their money, they kill their whole families. ‘Honey, get in here, get the kids, grab the dog, it’s over.’ When black people lose their money, they just get sleepy.”

3. He likes weed, but only had a few jokes about it, inviting anyone who was carrying to stay seated after the show so he could buy a bag.

4. You could have your dick inside a black woman up to her ribs and she still wouldn’t squeal. After 40 minutes, she might give you a “hmmm” and then check her watch.

5. Another thing about black women: Apparently, they don’t like it when you come near their face. “Sperm don’t go on perm.” That line was from the opening act, Smokey, who covered similar ground as Epps (sex, money, men versus women) but with a dangerous energy. Someone get this guy in Next Friday After Next.

The New York Comedy Festival continues today. For our coverage—including interviews with Tracy Morgan and Ricky Gervais—click here.

Tracy Morgan

“All the way from Kennedy Fried Chicken to Carnegie Hall,” Tracy Morgan took the stage last night for his showcase at the New York Comedy Festival. Here are some things I learned:

1. Tracy Morgan is not Tracy Jordan. Morgan goes to great lengths to separate himself from his television alter ego, and he thinks “TV is a wasteland” (”except 30 Rock,” he added as an afterthought, as if he’d remembered that he’s on it.) He silenced a heckler early in the set by shooting back, “This ain’t TV. I can hear you!” Later, he took a more direct line of attack: “May you get chlamydia tonight, mufucker!”

2. Tracy Morgan loves porno (”I beat my dick like it owes me money,” he proclaimed proudly). In fact, Morgan loves porno so much that he devoted a good 20 minutes of his hour-and-a-half set to the topic. And then another 15 minutes to a discussion of how it ruined his first marriage. A story about playing “rape” with his ex-wife looked destined for cringeworthiness, but it took a hilarious turn toward the absurd when Morgan described donning a ski mask, breaking into his house and getting distracted stealing his own stuff. (Oh, and catching his eldest son masturbating to his porno collection. Of course.)

3. Tracy Morgan’s “dick head looks like Darth Vader’s helmet.” As a whole, his penis “looks like R2-D2.” Morgan is full of contradictions, and apparently so is his penis.

4. Tracy Morgan has a foolproof plan for making sure his sons don’t stick around too long: “When your dick get bigger than mine, you’re out. You’re no longer my son, you’re a threat.” (”Want to play some basketball, Daddy?” he imagined his son asking. “Not with that big-ass dick I don’t!”)

5. The Incredible Hulk is not a superhero—he’s just a drunk white guy. (”White dudes are crazy,” Morgan explained. “They like to get drunk and fuck up the pinball machine.”) In one of the most inspired moments of the evening, Morgan imagined an overly sensitive Black Hulk trying—with no luck—to stay calm. “That not Hulk baby! Hulk take paternity test on Maury!” he roared while lumbering around the stage like Frankenstein’s monster. “Too many seeds in drugs! Hulk fuck up weed spot!”

Photo: Andrew Marantz

1. Moderator Virginia Heffernan (online media critic at The New York Times) wanted to push the notion that the Internet is fundamentally changing TV comedy, but the comedy writers were not having it. That impasse was reached within the first two minutes of the panel and then explored for the next two hours. “So, you guys really don’t think the Internet is changing the way you work?” said Heffernan. “No, not really,” said the writers. Over. And over.

2. “I don’t even have a computer,” said Jim Downey, and he was not joking. Having worked at Saturday Night Live since 1976, Downey is clearly qualified to talk about television writing. But as the last person in America to hold out on the computer fad, he had absolutely nothing to say about the “Internet” part.

3. The other three writers had some predictably cranky things to say about the Internet. Peter Tolan (Rescue Me) thinks it’s too democratic. Al Jean (The Simpsons) thinks it’s too negative. “Most of it is negative,” Rory Albanese (The Daily Show) agreed. “Except for the porn.”

4. The Simpsons producers were the ones who leaked the video of Homer trying to vote for Obama. I knew it!

5. Extrapolating from tonight’s four-person sample, we can deduce that 100 percent of comedy writers are white men; 75 percent of comedy writers dress in black sport coats; 75 percent of comedy writers wear black-rimmed glasses (the other 25 percent keep their glasses in the pocket of their sport coats); and 0 percent of comedy writers will read this post, because they don’t really care about the Internet.

NYCF ‘09 kicks off tonight with the star-studded Stand Up for Heroes benefit (Stephen Colbert, Louis C.K., Bruce Springsteen), and over the next five days you can bet we’ll will be on the scene, bringing you updates of the best shows and most hilarious jokes. To whet your appetite, check out TONY comedy guru Jane Borden’s interviews with some of the fest’s biggest names:

Ricky Gervais

Patton Oswalt

Jim Downey

Tracy Morgan

Artie Lang

And if you’re hoping to discover something new this year, look into these TONY-approved up-and-comers:

Marina Franklin and Paul W. Downs

Donald Glover and Tom Shillue

Morgan Murphy and Snakes

The New York Comedy Festival just announced its 2009 schedule. The stand-ups appearing in the sixth annual celebration prove that the fest is continuing in its tradition of getting better every year. We are excited.
Pasted beyond the jump are those headliners. Stay tuned for information regarding sundry events, such as panel discussions, the Andy Kaufman Awards, and TONY Approved, hosted by yours truly.

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Catch the winners of the New York Comedy Festival Web Video Cram-Off competition live tonight.