Click notes for quotes.

We have a dirty little secret at TONY: A number of us obsess over Twilight, the movie and book series that sucks (your blood). So we headed to the Time Warner Center to join 70 others to audition to be a reporter for ReelzChannel at TwiCon, a three-day, $300 coming together of Twilight fans in Dallas this summer. How could we pass up a chance—for an extra fee, natch—to touch the expertly coiffed head of vampire heartthrob Edward?

As one of only three males at the audition (the first turned up three hours early to snag a space at the front of the queue), our knowledge of Twilight trivia was coming up short against people like Julie from Rochester, New York, who had seen the film more than 100 times and had traveled for more than eight hours to try out. Posing as a “reporter,” we gamed the system and found out the juiciest tidbits from fellow Twilight fans (suckers!). Did it work? How did we do? See for yourself after the jump.

Read more »

Click here for another of Pete’s jokes.

This issue’s Joke of the Week contributor, T.J. Miller, joins us from his tour stops in the Midwest.

Read more »

This issue’s Joke of the Week contributor, Jon Friedman, inaugurates our new web-video series with two winners.

Things I learned at last night’s Radio City appearance of Flight of the Conchords (followed by a clip from the performance):

Jemaine knew he was playing to New York because he “recognized [us] from Taxi.”

The blue lights throughout the audience were not Radio City’s glow-in-the-dark drink stirrers, but a lot of tiny Jedis who came out for the show.

It is very difficult to trick the JumboTron but, by waving your arm quickly and erratically, due to the slight delay, it is possible. It is not possible, however, to touch the JumboTron version of yourself.

Opening act Kristen Schaal killed.

All of the flashing cameras made Bret feel like he was “going through cyberspace.”

If you scream “Freebird,” Jemaine will say, “You asked for it, dick.” And then they will play about 90 seconds of something that sounds like “Freebird” but isn’t, and they will not be happy about it, and it will end with Jemaine waving his arms at his side and singing, “I’m just out getting the vantage point of a bird, which cannot be contained in any manner.”

Using the screeching elicitations of the girls sitting behind me as the only indicator, these guys are the next Beatles.

Stop by Sweet instead; Will Forte plans to.
Also: Leo Allen, Donald Glover, Morgan Murphy and Matt McCarthy.

We love Pat Kiernan.

When we heard Pat was doing the rounds to promote his relaunched site, patspapers.com, an online only, national version of “In the Papers,” we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try and ruffle the unruffable anchor. We failed, but at least we heard Pat tell us he’s, “never gonna give us up, never gonna let us down, never gonna run around and desert us,” which is a relief.

Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer added a second New York show to their Unwigged tour. Tickets for May 27 go on sale Fri 10 at 10am.
Here’s a clip of their recent interview on Leno…and then an oldie from their wigged days, because we couldn’t resist.

If this guy is kidding, he’s the next Ali G. Unfortunately, we think he’s for real.

ThunderAnt—the comedy duo of SNL’s Fred Armisen and former Sleater-Kinney rocker Carrie Brownstein—needs some shelter.

Canadian sketch troupe Picnicface visits New York tonight. The group’s hilarious short film, “Powerthirst,” has been viewed almost 14 million times. Help them reach the milestone.

Nature is beautiful. And hungry.

A new video from Atom: The subject matter’s a little played, but the lyrics are good.