Although most of us don’t have the spare $25,000 (minimum) for a table at the Tim Burton Film Benefit at MoMA, that sad fact of life doesn’t mean you can’t booze with the bigwigs afterward. You don’t even have to tell them that Large Marge sent ya. All you have to do is fill out our little contest form, win two tickets ($250 value) and then bring your melancholy dancing shoes for the MoMA Film Benefit’s after-party on November 17, which features the sounds of one DJ Justin Miller and celebrates the work of our foremost gothic weirdo auteur. (Extra props if you show up dressed in soft pastels and buck the grim sartorial trend.)

What’s that, you say? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah, it’s true that I’ve watched all 682 minutes of the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy countless times, and can even recite lines from the special-feature discs from memory. What? No, you’re the nerd. Dude, who was the one that wore elf ears and said things like “The Uruks are coming!” and “No one tosses a dwarf!” for two straight months? Yeah, I don’t blame her for dumping you. Look, I’m sorry she took the cat, but at least she had the good sense to change its name from Treebeard to Sprinkles. All right already. Because I feel bad for you and your miserable life, you can come with me. Yes, the Fellowship of the Ring is being screened at Radio City Music Hall tomorrow night, and the award-winning score is being simultaneously performed by the 21st Century Symphony Orchestra, the Collegiate Chorale, the Brooklyn Youth Chorus and Kaitlyn Lusk, as conducted by Ludwig Wicki. I know, it’s going to be awesome. Dude, stop crying. I know, I’m your best friend. You’re getting snot on my shirt. You can go Saturday night, too, if it means so much to you. There there. You know Gandalf isn’t gone forever. Shhhh.

It’s true. TONY is going to teach you how to decorate your New York cave. Unfortunately, we didn’t have a chance to incorporate the woman who posted this Craigslist ad, which I’ve taken the liberty of quoting in its entirety:

“I bought this IKEA table and i can’t assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I’ll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I’m 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.”

Sweetened or unsweetened?

Surprisingly, the most difficult thing about talking to John Krasinski, who plays the charming, practical-joking paper salesman Jim Halpert on The Office, isn’t resisting the urge to make a “That’s what she said” joke at every opportunity. No, the largest challenge in talking to the 29-year-old actor is to not call him “Big Tuna.” Next week, he can be seen in Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (which he also directed)—an adaptation of the beloved story collection by the late David Foster Wallace. We caught up with Big Tu…Krasinski, rather, in the midst of a fantasy football draft.

My mom is a big fan of The Office. She says Jim reminds her of me.
Oh my God.

I don’t really see it.
No, you do see it. You’re a charming guy. We all love you, Drew, come home!

Better than if she told me that I reminded her of Dwight, I suppose.
Yeah, that would be really scary. Don’t ever come home if that’s the case.

See the rest of this hard-hitting interview after the break.

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Last night, conspiracy theorists, scripture revisionists and rabid casual readers from all walks of life forwent sleep to line up and purchase the newest installment of Dan Brown’s Robert Langdon series, called The Lost Symbol. Many in the publishing industry look to Brown as some kind of book-selling savior amid generally dismal post-Potter sales, but “serious” readers tend to dismiss The Da Vinci Code and its ilk as being nothing more than pop-mysticism packaged in the trappings of a rousing adventure yarn. The impression is that Brown’s avid readership, despite their love for his “hyperventilating” prose, have no interest in reading any other books by a different author, ever. Well, people, we’re here to help, and have taken the trouble to offer some Brown-related (sort of) book suggestions for the Langdon set. See them after the break.

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Among making awesome music, writing books (he reads at Barnes & Noble Sept 14), composing scores for movies, imagining what probably would’ve been the best sequel ever, growing impressive facial hair and raising kids, it’s not likely Nick Cave has much free time. So when we tried to set up an interview with the Aussie songsmith, it turned out that he could only do it on a day when I was home in South Jersey visiting the folks. So, compounded with the weirdness of Nick Cave calling me up on my parents’ home phone was the all-too-likely danger that my mom would come knocking on the door, asking if I wanted a pork roll sandwich or wished to go to the mall (”Can you hold a sec, Nick? Ma, I’m on the phone! Sorry, where were we?”). That crisis never came to pass, though, and I got to talk to Cave about his new book and other cool stuff. Here’s the expanded interview from the 1 bold question in the magazine.

Time Out New York: Why does Bunny Munro’s story work better as a novel than as a ballad?
Nick Cave: Well, it’s a novel. It’s a story. I’m able to get much more involved with the character than I would’ve with the song, and can take him places I wouldn’t otherwise be able to take him.

Is there a link between being a professional salesman and being a professional cocksman? Bunny seems to have used the same skill set for both.
I’m not sure about that. When we were writing this as a film script, we looked into the phenomenon of selling door-to-door. There was definitely a dark side. We met with some anonymous salesmen, and they had some stories to tell. There definitely seems to be an alcohol and womanizing culture. One of the things I like about writing that character in novel form is that he’s kind of invisible. I spent a lot of time talking about his lock of hair, but that’s about it. People have very different views on the physicality of that character, whether it’s Brad Pitt or Ray Winstone.

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You’ve done it again: comedian, actor, icon and now author.
Fuckin’ get in line, because I’m going for my CPA thing. That’s next. I’ve done everything else. It’s CPA, astronaut and ballerina.

I was reading your wonderful book, I Drink for a Reason, the other day on the 7 train, and couldn’t help thinking that Mets fans drink for a reason too.
Oh, man. If you want to talk baseball, I’ll do that all day. I can’t believe they didn’t even make a play for [Victor] Martinez.

Because they don’t need a first baseman or a catcher…
Right. Exactly. The two positions they are most in need of. Well, they need everything, basically. I feel bad for Mets fans. Now, I don’t really give a shit about the Mets—or Mets fans, really—but when you pay that much money for tickets, and then a little over halfway through the season you just say, “Nah, we give up. Fuck it.…” I can’t imagine Minaya being there next year. Just some bad, bad moves. They go in and sign the best pitcher in the majors, and then there is no backup for him? John Maine?

Mike Pelfrey!
It’s ridiculous.

Read the rest of the interview after the break.

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TONIGHT: Project Runway All-Star Challenge (8pm on Lifetime) and Project Runway (10pm on Lifetime)

We’ve survived almost a year without new episodes of Project Runway, and it’s a wonder we’re still sane—or clothed. After behind-the-scenes scuffles, Runway has changed networks and even locations, now shot at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in Los Angeles instead of New York. Heresy! Fortunately, the revamped Runway will high-tail its haute couture booty back to New York for its final Fashion Week show, and nearly half of the new contestants hail from NYC. Hrmph. They better.
To kick off the new season, eight returning contestants will compete in a special all-star challenge. To the show’s credit, it’s the talented standouts (Mychael Knight, Sweet P, Daniel Vosovic) who are back, rather than old camera muggers and manufactured “villains.” After all, this is Runway, dang it, not Groomer Has It.—Allison Williams

Last week, the irrepressible Duke Riley staged the battle of the century. Fortunately, TONY was there, and managed to capture grisly footage of this pivotal event.

Photos by Dogseat

At the battle of Actium in 31 BC, the forces of Octavian (later to become Caesar Augustus, First Dude of Rome) decisively defeated the boats of Antony and Cleopatra in what was arguably the most pivotal naval battle in the history of Western civilization. I’d like to emphasize the past tense here, since, as of last night, Actium’s leading position in the annals of sea warfare was spectacularly supplanted by “artist provocateur” Duke Riley (bane of the Queen Mary 2) and his baguette-wielding legions. Riley, in association with the Queens Museum of Art, fashioned some atypical ships of battle (to be manned by representatives from the QMA, the Brooklyn Museum, the Bronx Museum of the Arts and El Museo del Barrio) and pit them against one another in a fight to the death yesterday evening.

It was strongly requested by event organizers that all in attendance wear a toga, and the throngs largely complied (my own was held together by staples. Shut up). The mood was fairly sedate at first—that until Rebecca Goyette, visual artist, art educator at MoMA and the Emperor’s “pregnant, stripteasing wife” started sexily dancing with another young lady to fire up the crowd. “[I was] grinding my sexy bellybump, filled with the heir of Rome, and I could feel the pent up energy and aggression all around. The action exploded like a giant collective
splooge,” she explains. Pretty soon, the rowdier elements in the crowd got into the boxes of tomatoes that were purposefully left, as ammunition, alongside the reflecting pool and, before the boats even appeared, started chucking veggies at unwary bystanders. This slight skirmish was the calm before the storm, though, and as soon as the first boat appeared, total chaos reigned. With each new vessel that entered the fray, the melee took a new turn for the insane. “Hand-to-hand combat, rotting cantaloupe cannon balls, burning boats, explosions of smoke and fire… No man, woman or child left unscathed,” recalls Goyette, in a memorable quote that is sure to be a part of what will be the finest war memoir since that of U.S. Grant or, dare we say, Caesar himself.

The night, and battle, ended appropriately enough: A skiff packed with fireworks was set ablaze in the middle of the pool. In the revealing light of sparkles, onlookers saw the devastating, tomato-slick carnage they had wrought, and undoubtedly went home broodily wondering what sort of creature is man, that he should have made such little progress in 2000 years.

Video:

Who you callin' yellow?

In a 1988 episode of Cheers, an exasperated Rebecca asks the guys if they ever watch anything other than The Magnificent Seven, to which Cliff earnestly replies, “Ah, as a matter of fact, we rented The Magnificent Ambersons, but watched it for a couple of minutes, realized it wasn’t a sequel, so we went back to watching The Magnificent Seven.” And, after all, with a cast that includes Steve McQueen, Yul Brynner, Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn, James Coburn and Eli Wallach, and also one of the more memorable theme songs in history, why would you really need to watch anything else? John Sturges’s westernized version of Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai (which was itself later spoofed in ¡Three Amigos!) is the story of a small and poor Mexican village under the thumb of the murderous bandito Calvera (Wallach). The villagers, fed up with his and his men’s tyranny, use what little money they have to hire some gunmen. While the money isn’t really enough to hire any one of these leathery hombres, each one, for varying reasons, agrees to help. Brynner is the de facto leader, McQueen his soft-spoken (albeit with plenty of folksy wisdom) sidekick. Robert Vaughn is the fancy bounty hunter pistolero who has lost his nerve. Coburn, another of the strong silent type, outdraws a gun-toting fool in showdown with his knife! These are just a few examples of the deeds that you will witness tonight, sundown, at Bryant Park, when the Mag 7 ride again.

They were only seven, but they fought like 700!

Variety is reporting that John Hughes, the beloved director and/or writer of The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles and nearly every other movie not called Star Wars or starring John Cusack that meant something to us in the ’80s, is dead of a heart attack at 59. The man captured, with a little help from Judd Nelson, Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald, what it meant to struggle through the minefield of high-school life in a way that no one has since come close to emulating, the High School Musical franchise withstanding.

He will be missed. Let the Hughes DVD marathons begin.

The Daily Show has a long and storied history of hilarious and slightly unhinged correspondents. Rob Riggle, who left the show at the end of 2008, was especially manic when going after the fake-news scoop. But the 39-year-old isn’t merely a clown—he was recently promoted to lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Marine Corps Reserves. So, yeah, he’ll make you laugh—but cross him at your own peril. In his latest film, The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, Riggle appears alongside the likes of Jeremy Piven and Tony Hale in a film about selling cars.

Everything I know about conducting interviews I learned from you on The Daily Show.
Oh God! [Laughs] That’s terrifying. I guess I’ll get ready for a lot of screaming.

Just kidding. Tell us about your role in this film, Colonel Riggle.
Well, this is a tricky one. I play a ten-year-old boy with a pituitary problem [Laughs]. So, there you go.

Sounds like the role you were born for.
You know, it felt like it. Really jumped off the page at me. I was very grateful to get the role, and to figure out how I was gonna do it. You didn’t want to come off as mentally challenged.

You’re the new Clifford.
No! No, no, no. I would never try to reprise that role.

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"The Last Time I Saw Jean-Michel Basquiat," by Robert Lambert

Art museums and galleries are nice. Heaven knows we have some of the finest in the world right here in New York. Sometimes, though, you’re in the mood for something a little more organic, and a little less curated. The Hotel Chelsea has long been a haven for artists, writers and many of the eccentrics that used to make New York so interesting. David Elder and Marlene Krauss—direct descendents of the Hungarian immigrants that bought the hotel in 1945 and who both continue to help manage the premises—have cultivated that relationship, and the hotel’s lobby and hallways are lined with the work of former and current residents. A piece by David Combs, one of the many artists who’ve spent quality time at the hotel, and the proceeds from prints of his this and other works of his are allegedly going toward bringing him back to New York from Texas. Other highlights—pieces of various sizes and hues by artists and residents Hawk Alfredson, Larry Rivers, Philip Taaffe, Brent Whiteley, and notably a long-hanging painting called Dancing Figures—Nightclub by David Remfry—all help reinforce the idea that this is a place that has largely escaped the mallification of Manhattan. Perhaps nothing illustrates this better than when, last month, the hotel accepted two abstract paintings by Nadia Bertrand in lieu of rent. It’s not hard to imagine what my landlord would say to that deal, were I to present him with one of my doodles.

Bearer of really good bad news (courtesy of the Discovery Channel)

The most important and ferocious seven days on the Discovery Channel’s yearly calendar returns, to much rejoicing among those of us yearning for a proper summer holiday (after all, who hasn’t taken off a day of work for Shark Week?).
One of the highlights of this year’s programming is Blood in the Water, an informative historical piece (complete with typically awesome period actors) about the beginnings of recorded shark attacks in the United States. The 1916 attacks were reportedly used as source material for Jaws. It is, of course, in New Jersey that the sharks congregated—clearly, the sharks don’t have the same distaste for shore tourists that the locals have–and several fatalities were recorded.

Also on the slate is Sharkbite Summer, which examines the incidents that led to shark hysteria in the summer of 2001. After several highly publicized attacks (and some panic-mongering on primetime news shows), people displayed a collective fear of the ocean not seen since the days of “duh-nuh, duh-nuh.” The media, always in search of the most recent sensational story, did much to promote panic and disinformation about the nature and likelihood of shark attacks in local waters. Shark Week also includes plenty of documentaries about how nonlethal most sharks are, but there’s enough underwater menace to make anyone think twice about going for that late-night dip in the ocean.
Blood in the Water airs Aug 2, and Sharkbite Summer airs Aug 4 on Discovery.

What do these aliens want from us, Tim Meadows?
I think they’re after the planet Earth.

The aliens in this film can take over people’s minds and bodies and make them do whatever they want. If you could take over one person, who would it be and why?
Good question. I think, for comedy’s sake, if it was something that I could film and just laugh at later, it would be Ahmadinejad or someone like that. But then if I could take over someone’s body for my own personal reasons, it would be… I need a minute to think.

Sure, let’s move on. In Mars Attacks, which recalls Aliens in the Attic, NFL great Jim Brown saves the…
Wait, I got it! I know the answer. [Laughs] I love this question. The female tennis player from Russia. Sharapova. That would be my second choice. I would just tell her to be devoted to me.

But no football stars?
No, no former NFL stars in this one. Probably the closest person would be Andy Richter. If he wanted to, and focused on football, he’s big enough to be a running back or something.

Do you think aliens really exist?
Yeah, I think other life forms exist out there somewhere, but I don’t think anyone has been here.

Read the rest of our talk with everyone’s favorite ladies man after the break.

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Zach Galifianakis, while long known to stand-up fans, became a hard-to-pronounce household name only after a legendary performance in this summer’s surprise blockbuster comedy, Todd Phillips’s The Hangover. And although he claims nothing much has changed in his day-to-day, Galifianakis appears ready to assume the mantle of world’s funniest hirsute comedian. In Disney’s G-Force, he plays a scientist who trains a group of special-agent guinea pigs to save the world from global terrorism.

On your Web show Between Two Ferns, you interview celebrities. Now you’re something of a celebrity yourself. How does it feel to be on the other end?
It doesn’t feel any different. It’s just a major inconvenience. Nothing has really changed; I have had people yell at the airport, “Are you still hungover?” Jesus Christ, is this what it’s about? Is this the thanks you get? I’ve learned to put huge headphones on so I wouldn’t seem rude. Just let them know, “C’mon, I’m listening to Steely Dan right now. I can’t hear you.”

There is a lot of Internet speculation on what you’re doing next.
Oh, I know. How can people get through their day without knowing? Isn’t there a war still going on? I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think I know what I’m doing, but these things get jinxed. I’m doing a kind of Planes, Trains & Automobiles movie with another actor, whoever that is. Kadeem Hardison.

He was awesome in The Sixth Man.
It’d be great to bring him back.

Is The Hangover 2 a done deal?
No one has signed on. I mean, we’d love to work together and make that happen, but there’s no script yet. I’m sure they will bring it together, but it’s hard to top that first movie.

Read the rest of this hard-hitting interview (and a few bonus, online only questions!) after the break.

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There’s something special about Captain Jack Harkness of the British show Torchwood. Is it that he can’t die and never ages? Is it that he spends his days tracking down aliens with a crack team of ex-cops and specialists? No, it’s probably that Captain Jack is dead sexy, sports an American accent and snogs boys and girls alike.

“It’s wonderful playing the romantic Jack,” says John Barrowman. The actor straddles all kinds of divides; besides being half American and half British, he’s an openly gay man playing one of TV’s most prominent bisexuals. “I get to portray a person on television that I would want to look up to, if I was a kid growing up in America.” Barrowman was also a West End song-and-dance man before becoming a sci-fi alien hunter—he currently judges singing-competition reality shows and is considering a concert series in Las Vegas. “I’d like to be bicoastal,” he puns. Wouldn’t we all? “You can be! You just have to say yes!

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I'm sexier than the Internet.

Nominations for the 2009 Emmys were announced this morning, and there was a mix of the expected— like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition getting the nod in the category of Outstanding Picture Editing for Reality Programming. We never thought we’d live to see the day, though, that House of Saddam would find itself in the running in the ultracompetitive Best Hairstyling for a Miniseries or a Movie category.

Oh, and for those of you who like the more obscure awards, Bryan Cranston was nominated again for Best Lead Actor, for Breaking Bad. Weirdos.

For several sun- and drama-drenched seasons on Josh Schwartz’s prime-time soap The O.C., Adam Brody’s portrayal of the neurotic comic-book nerd Seth Cohen gave hope to nonjocks everywhere—proof positive that geeks could, in fact, get the girl. We’re now a few years removed from that sultry West Coast class war, and in his latest film, Death in Love, the 29-year-old actor plays a darker character—one more at ease with himself, but also with more questionable motivations. Brody, a sometime indie-rock drummer in the band Big Japan, is currently hanging out in our town (and pissing off Greenpoint denizens), shooting the forthcoming Kevin Smith film, A Couple of Dicks.

At the heart of Death in Love is a romance between a young Jewish girl and a Nazi doctor. Hardly an ideal match.
No. And I mean, even that splinters in so many ways. I guess that’s the main story line. But then it goes into the family so much, and everyone is kind of falling in love in their own way.

Is the lesson in this film that Nazis feel love too?
Well, I’m sure Nazis can feel love. We’re all human at some point. Or an animal. The movie is so much about the difference between pleasure and pain, masochism and all that stuff. So it’s all about where that line is.

Josh Lucas’s character is really scarred from his mom’s forbidden love. What’s the least cool trait you’ve inherited from your parents?
The least cool thing? Good question. Well, let’s see. I didn’t get diabetes yet, so that’s cool. Oh, we’re not good at basketball. That was a disappointment, especially when I was younger. I’ve come to terms with it. I could’ve used some more hops. That would’ve been nice.

Lucas also has a pretty…interesting relationship with his boss. Have you ever had anything like that with a superior?
No, I’ve never had like a sexy female boss. But I’m totally open to it. That’s like my dream. That is the dream, to have a domineering, hot boss.

You play something of a confidence man. You grift your buddy good.
Yes. Served him right.

If acting and music start to bore you, have you considered a career as a con artist?
Oh man. You know, I can’t stomach—and it’s not because I’m a nice person, necessarily—I can’t stomach pissing other people off. I want everyone to be happy. For instance, the kind of thing Sacha Baron Cohen does, who revels in that awkwardness, I could never, never do that. The fact that they know later, and then would want to kill me for the rest of their lives, would really bother me.

For what it’s worth, if you change your mind, I wouldn’t mind playing Redford to your Newman in the long con.
Great. Listen, man, I want to do all sorts of stuff in movies. But yeah, in real life, maybe. I hope so. We’ll take it on the road. Great.

I guess you already have a partner in the buddy-cop movie you’re working on—A Couple of Dicks.
Yeah, Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis. My partner is Kevin Pollak, so I’ve worked with him a few days, and then I’ve worked with him and Bruce another day. But I haven’t seen Tracy and Bruce together yet. I’m very curious.

You’re on the same police force as John McClane!
Believe me, I do not take that for granted. It is fucking rad. I was at the table next to him, and he’s playing a hungover cop. He’s doing quintessential Bruce Willis shit. It is really cool. And you know, there’s a scene at the end of the movie where he sort of covers me when we’re in a shoot-out together. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. It is awesome.

Die Hard is still my favorite Christmas movie.
Yeah. It’s a perfect film.

Death in Love opens Fri 17.