Team America

FRIDAY 20: Sake + rockabilly
Take your love dumpling to Forbidden City, the late-night dim sum spot where dishes like the salt-and-pepper squid pair nicely with an impressive selection of hot and cold sake. Then jive and bop till the wee hours at the Rebel Night Rockabilly Dance Party; revelers are encouraged to don white tees, slick pompadours and polka dots galore. DJs will spin ’50s and ‘60s rock & roll, blues and country, but don’t sweat it if you’re lost when it comes to all that twistin’—short how-tos precede select tunes.

SATURDAY 21: Profanity + burgers
Eff yeah! Celebrate marionettes and freedom at 92Y Tribeca’s Team America: World Police Sing- & Swear-Along. Trey Parker’s 2004 film will be screened with lyrics for each of the movie’s profanity-ridden ditties. A free beer is included with the $13 ticket, which’ll help when you have to croon “Only a Woman” to your lover. Afterward, pen an entirely different ode on the paper tablecloths at The Ear Inn. The bar, housed in an early-19th-century building, doesn’t close until 4am, and you can order a burger or roast as late 1am.

SUNDAY 22: Tim Burton + pop-up eats
“Tim Burton,” the much-anticipated career retrospective on the Jack Skellington–of-all-trades, opens today at the Museum of Modern Art. Cruise the drawings, paintings, props and other film memorabilia from Burton’s personal archives (think never-before-seen student art and unfinished project sketches), then bounce over to the PerkStreet Lounge (a.k.a. the 303Grand pop-up space) for an early Turkey Day. The “Thrifty Thanksgiving” includes booze and festive fall tastings of butternut squash bisque, maple-glazed turkey and pear-and-gingersnap cheesecake—all courtesy of local vendors. R.S.V.P. is required; bring canned goods for a local food pantry.—Shayna Courtney

Photographs by Ashlea Halpern

We popped ’round to Shag Brooklyn today, where co-owners Samantha Bard and Ashley Montgomery-Pulido were busy putting the finishing touches on their darling tin-walled boutique. The hybrid space (It’s a sex shop! It’s a gallery! It’s the only place in NYC that’ll make a plaster replica of your boyfriend’s schlong!) doesn’t officially open until Tuesday 24, but the founders are hosting an advance-look gathering on Friday 20.

We snuck in a few days early to scope the goods, which focus on the locally made, handcrafted and sublimely sexual. A 1940s vanity is loaded with tiny tubs of Lee-lai body butter in delish flavors like Fig and Violet, and kissable dusting powders that smell as good as they sound (Bavarian cream? Yes, please). There’s a well-curated selection of sex toys (WeVibes, Rabbits, etc.), with more on the way: The shopkeepers are especially psyched about the eco-friendly wood and marble dildos, made from scrap materials. The shop also sells frisky cards, explicit hankies, felt condom holders, glitzy pasties, glammy feather hair clips, upcycled lingerie and boxers, oodles of art (by Jess Levey, Chris Smith, Sandra Mack-Valencia, etc.), and vagina doorknobs, cast from real vajayjas by artist Rebecca Loyche. Coming soon: Cock knockers!

Which brings us to the other brilliant thing about Shag Brooklyn: It’s not just another jerk-off shop; it’s a community space. Upcoming workshops will teach New Yorkers how to write erotica and make plaster castings of their partner’s bodies. They’re aiming to host five art exhibits a year, and they’ll eventually unveil photographic services, so you can enjoy a fantasy shoot in their studio, and then have that image fired onto a ceramic plate. Brooklyn, for real: You never had it so good.

108 Roebling St at North 6th St, Williamsburg, Brooklyn (347-721-3302, weloveshag.com). Opening reception Fri 20 6–10pm, free. Regular store hours: Tue–Thu, Sun noon–8pm; Fri, Sat noon–10pm.

Earlier this week, we chatted with Fleshbot editrix Lux Alptraum about ejaculate omelettes, NYC porn and exactly what brand of debauchery the first-ever Fleshbot Awards at the Box might entail. And last night we sent reporter Ada Calhoun to find out.…

“Shut the fuck up!” yelled a woman who stormed onstage wearing a vagina T-shirt. She was ignored. In fact, the roaring, uh-perhaps-you-didn’t-notice-there-is-an-open-bar crowd ignored everyone, including presenters and winners, the gyrating, lingerie-clad Box dancers, and even porn star Belladonna as she got naked onstage and deep-throated a dildo.

There is kind of nothing more depressing than posturing sexiness that goes unnoticed. When someone spends the time hooking together all those bustiers and garter belts and rolling around looking sultry and pretending to make out with other girls also wearing black underwear, you really should pay attention to her, just to be polite. But the crowd was not polite. They were drunk and loud and teeming with chubby, giddy dudes who made Levi Johnston (winner for the Porn Crossover Award for his appearance in next week’s Playgirl) look like George Clooney.

The live-blog on Fleshbot is way funnier and hotter than the event itself, and Alptraum would have been a more appropriate host than Justin Bond and John Cameron Mitchell. (She could be seen in the audience jumping up and down with rapture as Belladonna did her blow-job routine. Bond at the end simply deadpanned: “That was beautiful.”)

The porn industry has always been a West Coast thing, and the Fleshbot Awards drove home why: New Yorkers suck at faking things: boobs, pleasure, interest. We are a city of real bodies, and real volume. Our minds are not blown by Prince-video-without-Prince-to-redeem-it ladies dancing to “I Touch Myself” or stripteases to “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” or even a woman dancing—in a very Judy Chicago moment—in a giant vulva costume.

The New York sex industry will never be able to compete with L.A.’s, and so the Fleshbot Awards were unable to compete with the roar of an audience full of drunken New Yorkers just trying to get laid.—Ada Calhoun

See the winners after the jump…

Read more »

Fleshbot editor Lux Alptraum

Photograph: Yael Gottlieb

The first-ever Fleshbot Awards will be held tomorrow night at The Box. Because you can’t attend (sorry, perv, it’s invite-only), we got the lowdown from New York editrix (and sometime TONY contributor) Lux Alptraum. Cover thy virgin eyes, we fear this may involve Levi Johnston.—David Yi

Time Out New York: So the Fleshbot Awards…how’d that come to pass?
Lux Alptraum: Well, we were thinking of ways to celebrate Fleshbot’s sixth anniversary, which is this month, and decided on this show. We didn’t want to do porn awards, partly because there are already the AVNs and countless others. And although we get a rep as a porn site, we wanted to play up the fact that that’s not all we do. As a result, the Fleshbot Awards are recognizing sexy achievements in pop culture: sexy technology, sexy fashion, sexy art, sexy TV… We also have crossover awards, for people who’ve crossed over into the mainstream from porn [and vice versa].

Who are some nominees to look out for?
We have True Blood, Californication…Dexter has been surprisingly sexy. They’re all shows that are on premium cable, for obvious reasons.

What makes good porn?
It’s so difficult because it’s so personal. That’s like asking, “What makes someone hot?” Personally, the biggest thing for me is the performers’ desire. They have to be wanting to do this. Seeing someone’s genuine desire for another person just does it for me. Read more »

The Pond at Bryant Park

FRIDAY 6
Yet another excuse to get hands-on with your SO: The Pond at Bryant Park, the city’s only free ice rink (BYO blades or rent a pair for $12), reopens today. If you’re wary of large bodies of ice, roam the Shops at Bryant Park, which house more than 100 international boutiques, designers and food merchants. If you still haven’t gotten your fill of worldly goods, cross Sixth Avenue to Kinokuniya, a Japanese bookstore; at the second-floor café, you can split a holiday-spirited chestnut cream cake.

SATURDAY 7
Devoted members of the Colbert Nation, get ready for some raw honesty. Uh, sort of. “The Truthiness Behind the Lines: An In-Depth Look Behind the Scenes with the Colbert Report Writers” is a mouthful, but we’re guessing the star wouldn’t have it any other way. Eleven members of the program’s writing staff, including head honcho Barry Julien, will break down the rise of faux news at this Paley Center must-see. New Yorker cartoonist Zachary Kanin will moderate the panel, which’ll also field user-submitted questions (if time permits). Afterward, rehash the night’s epiphanies over two glasses of Smiling Pumpkin Ale at the nearby Heartland Brewery & Chop House.

SATURDAY 7, SUNDAY 8
KingCon: A Brooklyn Comic and Animation Convention is about as badass as comics-geekdom gets, and the Brooklyn Lyceum is the ultimate date spot for fanboys/girls. The two-day convention boasts panels featuring American Splendor creator Harvey Pekar, Mad magazine cartoonists, Marvel authors and more. You can shop for vintage comics, bone up on Batman history and even enter a LolCat captioning contest. If all that superhero talk works up an appetite, grab empanadas and other Latin American fare at Palo Santo, about a minute’s walk away.—Shayna Courtney

Toy Story

THURSDAY 1
Procrastinators, rejoice! You still have time to impress your date, thanks to storyteller extraordinaire Ophira Eisenberg. She’s hosting The Liar Show tonight at Comix…you know, like, in 45 minutes. Comedians Andy Christie, Martin Dockery and Faye Lane will take the stage and tell one story each—but one of ‘em’s a big fat liar. Can you tell who’s trying to pull the wool over your eyes? Rousing cross-examinations and audience interrogation could expose the liar, but the show features such coolly told tales, Kambri Crews, director of PR at Comix, has yet to spot the fake. Afterward, it’s just a five-minute walk to Fatty Crab, where you and the bunny-wunny can fill up on scrumptiously fried and sugared “fatty duck.”

FRIDAY 2
Is there anyone alive who can resist the charm of Woody, Buzz & Co.? Join the gang when Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3-D opens in theaters today. The hype for next summer’s third installment is going to be phenomenal, and we suggest getting a jump on the madness by hunkering down with your honey for this double feature. Skip the popcorn and head to Veloce Pizzeria in the East Village instead; top pies include a porchetta sausage with rosemary and fennel pollen, and a sfincione with anchovies, capers and bread crumbs.

FRIDAY 2
You can get lost in BF/GF’s eyes any ol’ time; tonight, guide your sweetums through You Are Here, a Brooklyn maze chock-full of musicians and artists. Navigate the labyrinth correctly and you’ll be rewarded with a performance by sound artist Noveller or a jammin’ guitar set by Mick Barr. Head over to Jimmy’s Diner for Southern grub, like the Williamsburger or deep-fried deviled eggs, before wrapping your night with even more music.  Tragedy: An All-Metal Tribute to the Bee Gees is disco-thrashing its way through Brooklyn Bowl; the three-dude cover band is said to play a pretty mean version of “Stayin’ Alive.” Openers Johnny Headband and .357 Lover round out the mo’ metal show.

SATURDAY 3
Behold the aphrodisiac wonder in all its glory at the Grand Central Oyster Frenzy. Down the mollusks at your leisure or enter the slurp-off and try to put away 12 in a minute. The festival’s last (and only free) day ends with shucking contests and cooking demos. When night falls, grab your oyster-filled baby and plant yourselves at the Floating Kabarette One-Year Anniversary Spectacular. The blowout marks Galapagos’s first full year in Dumbo, and features quirky performances and free haircuts (courtesy of Galapagos’s resident stylist).

SUNDAY 4
Whoa! The Manhattan Bridge turns 100 today. Salute the landmark, flaws and all, with fireworks at 7pm—or check out one of nearly a dozen other celebratory events. Bring a blanket, cuddle and watch in awe as the pyrotechnic display, coupled with the Manhattan School of Music Brass Quintet, make the bridge look beautiful. Warm up afterward by heading to café/music venue Cake Shop for a cup o’ joe and a vegan dessert anyone can appreciate.—Shayna Courtney

*Stick-on jewels can bedazzle any genitalia—just ask the World Famous *BOB*, pictured above.—Shayna Courtney

Whitney Cummings

TONIGHT The political sparks will fly when Howard Dean takes the stage at the 92nd Street Y. The Dem will discuss the future of the progressive movement, as well as his new book on our crackpot health-care system. After the Q&A, head to Fetch Bar & Grill, where patrons’ pet pics line the walls and desserts are served in dog bowls. Play your cards right and you’ll be belting out your own Dean-inspired “Yeahhh!”s before the night’s over.

TONIGHT Book it to Ruby Foo’s for some nostril-singeing, wasabi-crusted salmon and other savory treats, then catch Whitney Cummings at Carolines on Broadway. Never heard of her? The dirty, pretty stand-up wrote this week’s Joke of the Week: “Men watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both looking at stuff we’re never going to do.”

More do-me dates after the jump… Read more »

“Ayos mio! Ayos mio! Ayos mio!”

That was the chant that echoed throughout Webster Hall during last night’s Lucha La Voom, a long-running L.A. variety show featuring nonstop “sexo y violencia,” courtesy of madcap luchadores, brilliantly costumed titty-shakers and forgettable comedian commentators.

While the main draw was clearly meant to be the luchadores, specifically Mexico City wrestlers Cuije & Alebrije and surprise guest Mike Quackenbush, it was the burlesque queens who stole the show. Our personal fave: Lucy Fur, who shimmied and shook her way out of a Chiquita costume to a mash-up of Ween’s “Bananas and Blow” and Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.” The act ended with her “snorting” a small mountain of coke off the stage—classy and classic. And ’cause we love you, we even gathered video boob-laden proof after the jump: Read more »

A wanna-be cover boy strips to his American Apparel undies.

Here’s what we learned at last night’s Ligerbeat Coverdude Contest at Happy Ending Lounge, where nearly a dozen strapping young lads competed for the sex mag’s greatest honor:

* If 11 hot guys stand atop a banquette and there’s even the slightest possibility that one of them might get naked, mayhem will ensue (e.g., “Show me dick!” chants).

* Hard-core porn looks much artier when projected on the wall behind a DJ booth.

* A body shot can be taken from the waistband of a boy’s jeans—or if he’s dapper enough, from his bow tie.

* If a gentleman seems bashful about showing the world his ween, the world only wants to see it that much more.

Here’s what we didn’t learn at last night’s Ligerbeat Coverdude Contest at Happy Ending Lounge:

* Who the winner was. Two dicks, one butt and a brief-clad boner made cameos before the whole thing dissolved, ending with two “finalists” making out with a Ligerbeat editrix. Tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.—Shayna Courtney

Photos by Caroline Voagen Nelson

Hunky firemen (and the Lycra-clad women who love them) descended upon Red Sky bar last night for the City of the Brave Firefighters of NYC 2010 calendar-release party. It wasn’t the naked orgy we’d hoped for, but the boys are still cute—and they rescue kittens from fire escapes!

Helen Hong at Laugh Match

Comedian-matchmaker Helen Hong has a track record of hooking up her Korean brethren, but can she do for “vanilla” and “chocolate” what she’s always done for “rice”? We sent Sex & Dating reporter Isabella Moschen to the August 12 launch of her all-races-welcome Laugh Match comedy show/speed-dating event at Comix to find out. Read more »

Photographs by Beth Levendis.

“Yo, people, listen up, people: June 25 is officially a new holiday! And every year, from here on out, we all gonna come back to Union Square on June the 25th and celebrate Michael. Y’all hear that? Michael Jackson! Tha Man! Tha King of Pop! Y’all fucking feel me?!?”

This declaration, made by a petite woman with a voice like a bulldozer, was just one of many articulated at last night’s fevered cell-phone-and-candlelight vigil/impromptu dance party in Union Square, honoring the life (and sparkly wardrobe) of the still-unbelievably dead pop star. Thunderous applause was met by chants of “Michael! Michael! Michael!,” and dancers of every stripe popped, locked and moonwalked in a breakers’ circle at the center of the square, their enthusiasm fed by fans undulating, clapping and singing along. People fired off song requests (”‘Black or White’!” “‘Remember the Time’!” “‘Smooth Criminal’!” “‘Man in the Mirror’!” “‘Beat It’!” “‘The Way You Make Me Feel’!”) to an appointed DJ (apparently, the only guy who thought to bring a portable Bose stereo and stack of burned Jacko CDs). At its most rocking, 75-plus New Yorkers joined in the reenactment of Jackson’s “Thriller” video, flashing creepy zombie poses at strangers and rallying around a handful of superbly dressed Jackson impersonators.

MTV cameramen circled the crowd like vultures, and cameras flashed epileptically as people tried to not only document the historical outpouring, but document themselves as present. (Two college-aged girls, after asking a bystander to snap their pic amid the celebratory chaos, exclaimed “Oh my God, this is awesome. We’re gonna remember this forever!” To which the other replied, “Hell yeah, we are. Send me a copy, okay? I want to put it on Facebook.”)

The Bose DJ crapped out around 11pm, after agreeing to one last “Thriller” encore. The crowd dispersed shortly thereafter, save 20 or so diehards who took an a cappella approach to the rest of Jackson’s catalog.

Photo by Tina Zimmer

We know it was rainy and miserable. We know it was the tribe’s maiden voyage. And yeah, we know how testy the cops can be when you’re just trying to let your testes hang out. But c’mon, really, New York?!? You disappoint us.

Our town’s first-ever World Naked Bike Ride was far less scandalous than we’d hoped or imagined—especially given what we’ve seen other cities pull off. Click here for a slide show of the semiclothed action, and pray that next year’s event attracts a ballsier crowd.

Photo by Scott Dunay

Thousands of people turned out for yesterday’s National Puerto Rican Day Parade, the city’s 52nd annual celebration of Boricua heritage. The theme was “Celebrating Our Music,” and festivities ran up Fifth Avenue from 44th Street to 86th Street. Click here for a full slide show.

Launch the slide show
Photo by Joshua Blank

Skateboard Weekend culminated under the Manhattan Bridge yesterday with the third annual Red Bull Manny Mania competition. More than 16 pros—including reigning champ Joey Brezinski—competed for the title of “Manny Master” 2009. But ultimately, it was local boy Eli Reed who won the 10k, beating the boards out of 30 other international competitors. For a slide show of pure skating chaos, click here.

Photo by Lizz Keuhl

Summer is here! How do we know? For two days, Michael Arenella and His Dreamland Orchestra entertained the handsome, dancing, drinking masses at bucolic Governors Island. It was all part of the Jazz Age Lawn Party, an annual nod to simpler times (parasols! suspenders!). Click here for a full slide show of the shindig’s quaintly anachronistic festivities.

Tourist-watching has been taken to a whole new level, thanks to Mayor Bloomberg’s car-free shutdown of Broadway between 42nd and 47th Streets: New Yorkers watching tourists watch other tourists in the most touristy part of town. From lawn chairs! With cameras! And picnics! So, uh, who’s lamer—them or us?

It’s not the biggest Puerto Rican parade in the city (that’s next weekend—and you should check back with us for a slide show of hot, sweaty revelers), but it still promises to be a rollicking-good time: The fifth annual Puerto Rican State Parade and Festival of New York starts at 1pm today at the corner of Graham and Metropolitan Avenues in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. La policía are already blocking off the streets, and the  red-white-and-blue-clad paradegoers are starting to congregate. The parade will run up Graham to Broadway, with the fest raging till 8pm (and probably later, just not on anyone’s official watch).

For other suggestions on what to do today—including a paella parade at Water Taxi Beach, a Coney Island boardwalk party and a sick skateboarding competition—check out Your Perfect Sunday and Best of the Fests.

And by poor people, we mean you. Okay, and us. Except this doesn’t apply to us because we’re not allowed to enter. Stupid journalist ethics. Anyway, in the spirit of this week’s magnificent Free issue, we’re giving away VIP tickets, exclusive memberships, and awesome prizes from some of our favorite venues and vendors.

The biggest of the biggies this week? A $3,000 weekend getaway to the Hamptons, which includes round-trip transportation aboard the Wi-Fi-ified Hampton Luxury Liner, a two-night stay at the divinely blue-blood Montauk Yacht Club Resort & Marina, dinner for two at Harbor Bistro, an adorable gourmet picnic basket from Citarella and two embroidered beach towels compliments of The Elegant Setting. Go here for full contest details, here to learn what other cool prizes that are up for grabs and here for our 2009 guide to the Hamptons. And don’t forget your sunblock, Muffy!