Tracy Morgan
“All the way from Kennedy Fried Chicken to Carnegie Hall,” Tracy Morgan took the stage last night for his showcase at the New York Comedy Festival. Here are some things I learned:
1. Tracy Morgan is not Tracy Jordan. Morgan goes to great lengths to separate himself from his television alter ego, and he thinks “TV is a wasteland” (”except 30 Rock,” he added as an afterthought, as if he’d remembered that he’s on it.) He silenced a heckler early in the set by shooting back, “This ain’t TV. I can hear you!” Later, he took a more direct line of attack: “May you get chlamydia tonight, mufucker!”
2. Tracy Morgan loves porno (”I beat my dick like it owes me money,” he proclaimed proudly). In fact, Morgan loves porno so much that he devoted a good 20 minutes of his hour-and-a-half set to the topic. And then another 15 minutes to a discussion of how it ruined his first marriage. A story about playing “rape” with his ex-wife looked destined for cringeworthiness, but it took a hilarious turn toward the absurd when Morgan described donning a ski mask, breaking into his house and getting distracted stealing his own stuff. (Oh, and catching his eldest son masturbating to his porno collection. Of course.)
3. Tracy Morgan’s “dick head looks like Darth Vader’s helmet.” As a whole, his penis “looks like R2-D2.” Morgan is full of contradictions, and apparently so is his penis.
4. Tracy Morgan has a foolproof plan for making sure his sons don’t stick around too long: “When your dick get bigger than mine, you’re out. You’re no longer my son, you’re a threat.” (”Want to play some basketball, Daddy?” he imagined his son asking. “Not with that big-ass dick I don’t!”)
5. The Incredible Hulk is not a superhero—he’s just a drunk white guy. (”White dudes are crazy,” Morgan explained. “They like to get drunk and fuck up the pinball machine.”) In one of the most inspired moments of the evening, Morgan imagined an overly sensitive Black Hulk trying—with no luck—to stay calm. “That not Hulk baby! Hulk take paternity test on Maury!” he roared while lumbering around the stage like Frankenstein’s monster. “Too many seeds in drugs! Hulk fuck up weed spot!”
