You’ve done it again: comedian, actor, icon and now author.
Fuckin’ get in line, because I’m going for my CPA thing. That’s next. I’ve done everything else. It’s CPA, astronaut and ballerina.

I was reading your wonderful book, I Drink for a Reason, the other day on the 7 train, and couldn’t help thinking that Mets fans drink for a reason too.
Oh, man. If you want to talk baseball, I’ll do that all day. I can’t believe they didn’t even make a play for [Victor] Martinez.

Because they don’t need a first baseman or a catcher…
Right. Exactly. The two positions they are most in need of. Well, they need everything, basically. I feel bad for Mets fans. Now, I don’t really give a shit about the Mets—or Mets fans, really—but when you pay that much money for tickets, and then a little over halfway through the season you just say, “Nah, we give up. Fuck it.…” I can’t imagine Minaya being there next year. Just some bad, bad moves. They go in and sign the best pitcher in the majors, and then there is no backup for him? John Maine?

Mike Pelfrey!
It’s ridiculous.

Read the rest of the interview after the break.

You collect baseball cards, right?
Yeah, I wish it attained the level of hobby for me. Well, it used to be, when I had no money and it was fun in a nostalgic familiar sense. I had them when I was a kid and traded them with friends, sort of that Norman Rockwell suburban thing. I started again in the ’88 or ’89. I can go online, since I have money now, and order three boxes of Bowman Drafts and Prospects. And I just sit, and keep them for awhile, and then go, “Oh yeah, those cards,” and open them up.

I used to have to shell out all of my allowance for those Fleer Ultra joints.
Fleer Ultra and Stadium Club were my two favorites.

I went to a card show in the early ’90s where “The Hawk” Andre Dawson was signing. Did you know he led the league in putouts for three consecutive years?
I did not. [Laughs]

If you could take a bat to Bill O’Reilly, what player’s stance would you use?
Probably Fred McGriff’s. Is that who I’m thinking of? Did he hold it up over his head?

I think so. But there was also Julio Franco…
That’s who I’m thinking of! I knew he was a Brave at some point. That’s who it would be.

What does David Cross have to offer the modern reader that, say, a Proust or Thomas Mann does not?
Hang on, let me ask. [To someone else] Hey, man. Yeah, Time Out New York. I answered the phone, I’m pretending to be you. He wants to know what you have to offer the modern reader that Proust or another guy does not. Yeah, that’s a good point. [To me] He says he’s alive.

The joke is on them. Speaking of the dead, you often talk about how much you don’t like Mormons or other religious quacks.
Well, I wouldn’t say I don’t like them. No, I even make a point to say that over 85% of the people I know and love and respect are, to some degree, religious, including all of my family. I don’t dislike Mormons. I just don’t get it. It’s mind-boggling to me. I understand being born into a family, it’s all just brainwashing as a child and it’s the way that you come to have certain beliefs you have. You’re born into a Roman Catholic family, you believe those things. You’re born into a Jewish family, you believe those things. Mormons, whatever. You’re taught at an impressionable age all that stuff. The idea of converting, though, to me, is mind-boggling. Someone who converts to Mormonism is… I mean, there’s no difference in being a Raelien, you know, those Canadian people who believe in the UFO things, or Scientology. I mean, Mormonism is a crock of shit. It’s a lie. The fact that you believe that is insane.

It’s a mainstream religion in this country.
It’s a mainstream religion in a lot of countries. It has done a greater job than any religion other than Islam in recruiting or spreading internationally.

So you don’t have a problem with people handing out God literature on the subway?
No, it’s entertaining. They can offer it, and I can accept it or refuse it. They can do whatever they want, I don’t give a shit. Everybody can be Mormon as far as I’m concerned. That’s great. Make the whole country Mormon. That doesn’t change my attitude or behavior. It’s only when they give you shit that I have a problem. They’re free to pass out whatever. Go right ahead.

You describe yourself in the book as the worst survivor in history. Does that come from city living?
Well, there are a few things I picked up from growing up in the South. I can get that honeysuckle drop of nectar without breaking anything. And I can catch crawdaddies and cook them up. I can fix the chain on my bicycle. That was more about enduring the pain that I would have to suffer in order to free myself and crawl down the mountain to civilization to get help. I would just give up.

No sawing your arm off with a pocket knife?
No, I would just go, “Eh, fuck it. I’ll die here, it’s fine.”

You’ve had a good run.
Yeah, I also figured that, in terms of life expectancy in the United States, I’ve lived over half my life. I’ve had a lot of good times. I’ve laughed more than most human beings get to. I’ve eaten some good meals and seen some pretty incredible things, so, that’s fine, I’m done.

You talk about the insurmountable odds of an atheist gaining the presidency in the book.
It will not happen in our lifetime.

Well, what’re the odds that we’ll see a Mayor Cross of New York in the future?
Oh, probably nil.

But you have a book now. I Drink for a Reason is your Audacity of Hope!
[Laughs] That is true. The audacity of drinking for a reason. The platform that I would run on, which wouldn’t be successful, is the immediate halt to the mallification of New York. Every day New York becomes more like Atlanta or St. Louis. Although, I don’t know why I’m complaining. I still don’t think there are enough Duane Reades.

I Drink for a Reason (Grand Central Publishing, $23.99) is out Aug 31.