We spoke with Adventureland star and SNL personality Bill Hader this week, and as we suspected, he is a man who appreciates the subtleties of ruining a movie for a bunch of brain-dead sorority banshees. But his calculated bean-spillage of Leo’s watery fate got us to wondering: What are the five most ambiguous deaths in film history? Were they really dead, or just playacting?
(1) Shane (Shane): Alan Ladd took a gut shot in the final fight, but the code of the West forbade him from showing weakness in front of the boy, lest the child grow up to be a frightened milksop. Wilson was fast on the draw. But a man has to be what he is. Which is dead. Verdict: Dead
See us resolve some other tricky demises after the break.
(2) Obi-wan Kenobi (Star Wars): Kenobi famously sacrificed himself to his old apprentice in order to save Luke & Co. on the Death Star, but did he really die, or did he truly become more powerful than Vader could possibly imagine with his uncreative cyborg’s brain? Despite George Lucas’s more recent crimes against humanity, we’re still not confident enough to argue with a Jedi. Verdict: Not dead
(3) Frankenstein (Monster Squad): He proved himself to be a hero and not a monster, but in the end, he’s still a mishmash of stolen corpse parts and unholy quickening, and therefore doomed by that evil-sucking vortex to dwell forever in limbo. Which is Catholic monster code for “really dead.” Verdict: Dead(er)
(4) Optimus Prime (Transformers: The Movie): No, not the Michael Bay one. We’re talking about the real Transformers film from 1986. Prime gets in a scrape with Megatron, and comes out on top, but somehow ends up dying, despite the fact that he’s a giant robot (maybe Jiffy Lube was closed). Anyway, he dies and gives the Matrix to Hot Rod, and we all know the rest. Flagging toy sales and traumatized kids later brought Prime back from the scrap heap. Verdict: Not dead, because dammit, he has the Touch!
(5) Chen Zhen (The Chinese Connection): Sure, Bruce Lee is led out before the firing squad, but you can’t tell me that those guys didn’t run in fear the minute he started doing his patented power-up yell and jump kicks. Besides, everyone knows that bullets can’t stop a kung fu master. Verdict: Definitely not dead
