The season is winding down, and I’m still not convinced that it’s going to get better. Sure, they’re hinting at baby drama with the as-yet-unseen Humphrey/Van Der Woodsen lovechild, and Serena is maybe going back to her wild-child ways, but if we have to sit through more Nate-Blair coupling to get there, it’s almost not even worth it. What we need are better plotlines, less ridiculous relationship drama (Chuck and Vanessa? really?), and for the love of God, more Wallace Shawn. Please, Gossip Girl writers, bring him back.

Josh: gossip girl is beginning to give me serious whiplash.
Amy: how so?
J: like, one week, it’s blair rubbing up on everything, and the next, jenny doesn’t want a cool party? how is that fun?
A: but she’s being true to herself! which, apparently, is boring.
J: this show felt like a serious concession to something. gods of reality? disgruntled poor people?
A: i didn’t get that, really.
J: why does a show like gossip girl even exist? so its characters won’t want to spend money and do stupid things?
A: but it’s jenny! she’s a humphrey!
J: and she wants to stay a humphreyzzzzzz.…
A: time and time again, we’ve been told that humphreys don’t want all the trappings of that life, and when she does try to be a part of that upper east side, socialite crowd, it ends badly.
J: being a humphrey allows you some pleasures: cooking a lot of food at home, playing board games, maybe fucking a teacher in the costume room.
A: also, composing terrible mid-’90s rock ballads.
J: did you read the rolling stone cover story?
A: no; they’re not trying very hard with the cover. it’s hot and all, but it makes me think the story is going to be ridiculous and superficial.
J: it does have josh schwartz claiming they try to avoid moralizing, which is so patently false.
A: really? whatever! they so do!
J: and this episode in particular was a bad example of that: how to live together as a family, how to pay for college, etc. i mean, in theory, it’s sweet, but this is not the lure for me.
A: the most interesting part to me was vanessa and chuck scheming and hooking up.
J: does chuck just hang out in limos to swoop up and roll down windows?
A: i bet he does! i mean, he’s chuck. he’s not in school, he’s rich, he has limos at his disposal.
J: what does chuck want? he never seems to do bad things anymore.
A: sex. i just don’t get what’s up with vanessa. why is she sleeping with chuck?!?
J: “it’s purely physical.”
A: ugh. i was really bothered by the blair-nate stuff. why would blair be begging for some guy’s affections?
J: me too. talk about a retread. also, are we supposed to think that dorota and the doorman have a thing?
A: it’s about time! dorota needs lovin’, too.
J: the final conversation between blair and dorota at the duck pond was nice, but there is so much the show seems to be avoiding, such as blair’s shame at being rejected from yale.
A: maybe that’s why she’s cozying up to nate; she can just be an upper east side wifey, and not have to worry about college.
J: kind of a scary thought to have at age 17. so is gg more like a “sitcom” (per eric, who i can’t stand now) or a “reality show” (per dan)? such an unearned bit of meta.
A: oy, so neither! it’s a soap opera.
J: yes, and also, antiques roadshow—they’re trotting out old, useless plot strands. for me, the core idea here is young, well-funded, sexy things behaving badly. it’s funny: as soon as gg accommodates the slightest anxiety about money, the whole show suffuses with guilt.
A: how so?
J: jenny not wanting the party, etc.
A: i thought jenny’s whole deal is because she doesn’t want to be friends with all the bitchy girls anymore, and status isn’t the be-all end-all for her.
J: but jenny really has to have done a complete 180 to turn down a fun, fashiony party with headache-inducing dance music. like, does she not like anything anymore?
A: jenny’s idea of a fun fashiony party was dancing around half-naked while some creepy last night’s party–esque dude took photos of her. serena’s is socialites drinking champagne on the upper east side. it’s like apples and oranges, or williamsburg and the upper east side, as it were.
J: as a viewer, i’d rather watch either of those shows than the one we saw last night. at this point i really think they should solicit scripts from superfans.
A: but then it would be all dorota, all the time!
J: does the idea of team humphrey growing even more fill you with dread? i mean, whenever we’re in the humphrey kitchen nook, i want to stab myself.
A: wtf? how did that kid find out who dan was?
J: well, he was published in the new yorker.
A: oh god. i forgot.
J: this is my dream: the new kid–love child is a total con artist, like georgina times ten; and he comes in and wreaks total havoc. and he’s played by, like, seth green.
A: funny, but i so doubt that will be the case.
J: but that’s already a better idea than kissing chastely by the duck pond! reach out to us, gg. we’re cheap and we’re ready to write for you!

Photo: Giovanni Rufino / The CW © 2009 The CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved.