You poor, poor, pitiful boy. You’ve got deli roses in one hand and a stuffed bear in the other—unless your girlfriend’s name is Hannah Montana, you gotta rectify this sitch—and stat. Here are three cheap and free ways to do it, while also seeing nekkid ladies and a big, fat, very unusual gospel choir.…

(1) Show your ladybird what a sensitive, arts-minded gentleman you are by pregaming your White Castle dinner plans with a seminude drawing class. Giant-knockered Amber Ray will be posing as Cathy the Cowgirl at the Slipper Room, and guess who’ll be front and center to draw her and sign his book? Ron freakin’ English. Dude is coming on strong as part of Dr. Sketchy’s Anti Art School Art Star series. Giddyup from 4 to 7pm, $10 in advance, $12 at the door, BYO art supplies, and leave the drool at the door lest you want to sleep alone tonight.

(2) Little Marvin is staging his “Make Love War” campaign at Anonymous Gallery with an opening reception from 7 to 10pm tonight; the exhibit runs through March 7 and is essentially a valentine to a recovering Mumbai. Art-punky lovers, fighters and quirky alones are invited to help Marv cut hearts out of a giant gold lamé army tent and paste them to the floor, ceiling, walls, wherever. Big sparkly love all around: Take that, asshole terrorists.

(3) Hallelujah! Can we get an amen for the brutha who calls Hallmark on its passive-aggressive, relationship-soiling, corny-card shilling mallification-of-otherwise-well-intentioned-holiday antics? Join Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping at 3pm in Union Square for Love-a-lujah 2009. The good pastor says we don’t need no diamond rings and pretty things to show how much we care—which is very good news in these broke-ass times.

There’s more where this came from, kids: Valentine’s events galore, alterna V-Day gift ideas, anti-V-Day happenings, how to up your chances in the sack and 140 hot New Yorkers who’d just love to score your digits.