Everyone was annoying. A new contestant appeared essentially out of nowhere, and his name was Eli, and he claimed to be the best cheftestant there, which was a wild claim, especially since his understanding of the term “deconstruct” was “explode with pressure-cooker.” Toby Young, the infamous and pathetic judge from last season (If you recall correctly, the most profound comment this man made throughout the entire season five of Top Chef was “This fennel has notes of anise“) returned in Gail’s stead, plus Michelle “I’ll say paella however the hell I please” Bernstein (who, btw, only very marginally resembles the chef Michelle Bernstein on this site, and who, incidentally, has nothing to do with Las Vegas, which perhaps explains why the producers gently elided any information about her Miami restaurants?). Oh! There were also two celeb judges, one of whom does not speak. Celeb judges are normally acknowledged to be placeholders, but, really? A mute judge? Sorry, blog readers have requested that we start from the beginning. Let’s start.

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Tonight, Chef Roy Yamaguchi of Roy’s Restaurants—you might know him from Bravo’s Top Chef Masters—is holding a culinary competition of his own making. Dubbed the “Aloha Kitchen Challenge,” the cooking contest pits three Chicago culinary students against each other, and the winner snags an internship at any one of Roy’s 34 restos. Of course, like all Bravo-inspired competitions, there’s a hook: Each student will pair up with a famous chef and prepare a dish that will be served to about 150 restaurant patrons. Chefs joining the students include Tim Graham of Tru, Jackie Shen of Red Light and Pete Rikes of Capital Grille. For $85, one of those patrons feasting on five dishes (including the three entries and wine pairings) could be you. I’ll be helping to judge the contest along with Top Chef Masters‘ Art Smith and the Bears organization’s Brian McCaskey. Join us 6–9pm at Roy’s Chicago (720 North State St; reservations 312-787-7599).

Last night’s Top Chef served to further the theory that some people on this cast just don’t belong on the show. And when I say “some,” I mean about half of them. Here’s a list:

Ron
Robin
Ashley
Ash
Laurine
Jesse
Hector
Mattin

I never thought that I’d see Mattin’s name on that list, but if ever there was a time for a Frenchie to shine, it’s when he’s cooking French food, in a French restaurant, for the world’s greatest French chefs. Am I right?

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Big Red

Every Thursday morning, Eat Out writer Julia Kramer and Eat Out editor David Tamarkin IM about the previous night’s Top Chef. (Others in the office have claimed they’ll be chiming in, too, but so far, none has dared.) Below, this morning’s transcript.

JK: Can you explain to me why Tom found it positively mind-blowing that hot brother turned slab bacon into slabs of pork belly?
DT: Sorry, I have to request that you hold off on that question. I have something I just have to get off my chest.
JK: Request granted.
DT: I know this is jumping deep into the episode, but I have to point out that competing on Top Chef is not—NOT—in any way, shape or form, “doing something for our troops.”
DT: The chefs were acting as if it was their idea to go to the base.
DT: One of them actually said: “This kind of feels like going to war.” Which is true. Except that it’s absolutely false.
JK: OK, and second—if they were going to quote the contestants saying thousands of times what a service they were doing for our country, then don’t mock the pasta-salad woman when she says, “I’m sorry. I forgot this was a competition.”
JK: But actually, David. I have to tell you something.
DT: Tell me.
JK: Yeah, I found all of that wildly insensitive and self-important. But I did, umm, find the Air Force guy’s thank-you to them kind of moving. Maybe one single tear was cried….
DT: Julia.
JK: I’m sorry!

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Food editor David Tamarkin and food writer Julia Kramer recap last night’s episode of Top Chef over instant messenger, the primary mode of communication in the TOC offices.

JK: Todd English: Complete dud, or nice guy?
DT: Both, I think. I’ve never been impressed with him. Never been impressed by anything food-related that comes out of Boston, come to think of it.
JK: I got the sense that this show was pandering to gay viewers.
DT: Pandering? I don’t think so. Bravo is gayer than… What?
JK: Right, that’s why I was thinking maybe they were saying to viewers: Hey, we know half the episodes on Top Chef revolve around heterosexual marriage, and we’re sorry.
DT: Maybe. But I think what was really going on is that they wanted to milk those lesbians for all the drama they could. If it had been a chef who was upset because he/she had just been divorced, they would have milked that. It just happened to be a gay thing. (Read: Gay thang.)
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In this week’s magazine, I speak with the always-charming, always-hilarious and sometimes-dieting chef Art Smith. We talk about Top Chef Masters (Hubert Keller’s hair, specifically), fried chicken and the time he dressed like a Welch’s grape.

But, as is usually the case with Q&As, a lot got left out. One crucial moment that didn’t fit was when I asked the chef about his restaurant, TABLE Fifty-Two:

TOC: Is it still really hard to get a reservation at TABLE Fifty-Two?

Art Smith: Weekends are busy and we’re averaging 150 diners a night, Monday through Sunday. But what I tell everybody is if there’s a snowflake, or a raindrop, there’s a seat. The other thing is I give people my card with my e-mail address and I have people e-mail me and I get them in the restaurant. That, to me, is how I show that I’m still there and I’m in charge even though they may not see me. A lot of people will say “You know Art, I waited four months to get in here,” and I say, “Well, here’s my card, next time you want to come let me know, I’ll get you in tomorrow.”

Sweet guy, right? And turns out he’s even sweeter, because the next thing he said was that I could share that e-mail address—chefartsmith@aol.com—with Time Out Chicago readers. Which, waddyaknow, looks like I just did.

Two margaritas and one Bohemia (and two glasses of wine beforehand) at Rick Bayless’s Top Chef viewing party last night at Frontera Grill impairs my ability to give a blow-by-blow recap of the event—not to mention that I couldn’t really see or hear the show, though I knew Bayless was going to win because some jag leaked it a couple months ago online. So I’ll grasp onto a few moments of lucidity for some interesting anecdotes:

* Art Smith showed up early on, and was charming and talkative as you’d imagine he’d be. I had three questions for him: What’s under Gael Green’s hat? (He didn’t seem to understand the question.) Is Michael Chiarello really as much of a jerk as he came off in the last episode? (He said, no, Michael’s a great guy, very friendly.) What is Table 52’s goat cheese biscuit recipe? (For some reason, he gave it to me, but I think I may have jacked it up. Here’s what I wrote down: 2.5 cups White Lilly flour, 1/4 cup goat cheese, 1/4 butter, 1/2 cup buttermilk. Cut goat cheese and butter into the flour, then stir in the buttermilk. Let it rest for a while, then turn your oven up all the way—he emphasized the oven has to be really, really hot—and bake for…well, I didn’t get that part. But I’d guess about 15 minutes.)

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My confidence in Rick Bayless going into the finale to Bravo’s Top Chef Masters was so high that I found myself half tuning out, ordering things online, sorting CDs, until I began to think that he might lose the whole shebang. I had just sat through the inconsequential debut of Top Chef Las Vegas—which seemed like a small-stakes affair between semi-amateurs who met at a tattoo show. So I dropped into Masters about halfway in.

Bayless has the breezy confidence, eye for detail and the laid-back demeanor of a pilot from the Right Stuff —minus the cursing and boozing and odd slang—the kind of charm that makes you want to claim him as a distant relation as well as the rebel appeal of a champion of the underdog (that being Mexican cuisine) which he’s made his life’s work.

But last night’s battle royale between our Chicago hero Bayless, Hubert Keller and Michael Chiarello was more exciting than I expected, though I wouldn’t call it dramatic. Coming after the Vegas premiere, it distinguished itself in that the chefs were more free to strut their very best stuff. The English food-critic guy was never more impressed, the nerdy guy from Saveur (James Oseland) was having a field day stretching his language to describe the dishes he was drooling over. It was Chiarello, oddly enough, who was painted as a hard-ass in the previous episode but suddenly turned on the jets to make a strong showing in the finale.

The final challenge involved preparing a multi-course meal for the table of judges (which included past Top Chef stars Harold Dieterle, Hung Huynh, Stepanie Izard, Ilan D. Hall, Hosea and the international eye candy we know as Padma Lakshmi alongside TCM regs Gael Greene and the forgettable hostess Kelly Choi) that told the story of the chef’s career. Oddly enough, Bayless had twittered something about a menu telling the story of his career earlier this week—which I was thought was odd for such a humble fellow. After last night, it made sense. Read more »

Photo: Kelsey McNeal

I’ve been getting in a little bit of trouble lately, and by the time I leave work today I’m sure I’ll be hearing from PETA thanks to this post. But whatever. While I watch Top Chef Masters because I love seeing what great chefs can do in challenging situations, this formula only works when I’m actually interested in eating the food. And sorry, but rice milk ice cream and quinoa pasta don’t get my motors running.

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It’s obnoxious how pleased I am to see two Chicago chefs in the finals of Top Chef Masters. Screw Beard Awards and “Best Restaurants In America” lists—if we want to convince all of America that this is the culinary capital of the universe, we’ve got own a cable reality show. And so we are.

But there is a downside, and that’s knowing who to root for. I’m not so diplomatic as to have trouble choosing between any two Chicago chefs—believe me, there are plenty I’d happily cheer against. But Rick Bayless and Art Smith? That’s essentially choosing between Rick’s cubano torta and Art’s goat-cheese biscuits. And that’s a choice I hoped I’d never have to make.

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