Michael Schlow, Hubert Keller. Bravo Photo: Kelsey McNeal

Top Chef Masters is like the poor man’s Top Chef—or, rather, the rich man’s Top Chef. The format is kind of confusing and the chefs are all really nice and competent and make food that looks good which is…I don’t know, a little boring. This episode had four chefs competing with one winner going on to the Championship Round. There will be six rounds like this, then those winners will compete for the last four weeks. It didn’t feel competitive, just respectful in a way I’ve never seen in reality television, so Masters is a little like watching ace chefs cook for fun while occasionally getting interrupted by the creepy looking host, Kelly Choi.

Last night we met four chefs competing to win $100,000 for the charity of their choice. Michael Schlow cooks in Boston and wants to win for the Cam Neely Foundation. Hubert Keller, resembling a likable wizard, competes for the Make a Wish Foundation. Christopher Lee is inspired by his autistic nephew and plays for Autism Speaks. Tim Love, chose the March of Dimes, and his staff wear cowboy hats in his Dallas kitchen and he says he’s “just a cowboy” about a hundred times.

QUICKFIRE
So, on every episode of Top Chef Masters, the Quickfire Challenge is going to be a “classic” challenge from a previous Top Chef season. Each of the chefs get star ratings at the end of both the Quickfire and Elimination Challenges and the total score determines the winner.

The first challenge is dessert and the judges are revealed to be Girl Scouts. The chefs head to the kitchen, where Tim Love downs a shot of tequila, then gets to work on his “strawberries three ways.” He mentions that one of the three ways is what he and his kids like to call “a strawberry milkshake.” Intriguing! He also makes chocolate covered strawberries and “chicken-fried strawberries.” The Girl Scouts eat Michael’s vaguely shitlike-in-appearance chocolate cake first. One of the girls says she wishes there was less melted chocolate on it, and the others agree. What kind of kids are these? Next they try Tim’s strawberries. They don’t like the “strawberry milkshake” (whatever that means!) and one girl says “I don’t….really like…the fried chicken…one…strawberry.” Which is probably as confused as any of us would sound describing this thing. Hubert has created a swan from chocolate mousse and a whipped cream mouse, so obviously the girls completely freak out over it. Christopher’s made weird French toast things with caramelized bananas and maple syrup fluff. The redheaded Girl Scout the chefs have deemed a future New York Times food critic points out that it’s a “bit burnt.” Someone else says it tastes like a hash brown, which seems impossible and also, gross. Hubert wins, with five full stars, which was obvious and justified. Michael gets the lowest number of stars (2 1/2). I hate these stupid stars! Tim, like Christopher, gets three and a half and exclaims, “I knew I should’ve done a damn mouse!”

ELIMINATION
Kelly Choi announces the Elimination Challenge by saying “You’re going back to college” as a table on wheels comes out with a microwave, toaster oven and hot plate on it. Cue lots of distressed faces and groans. The chefs are each given a budget of $150 for one meal so it really is just like college. The day after shopping, the chefs arrive in the kitchen and Tim Love realizes he accidentally put all of his food in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. He says it’s truly a “holy shit moment” and all the chefs agree his produce is quite possibly ruined. Then they all head over to the Pomona College campus, where they realize they’ll each be cooking in a dorm room. All the rooms look like they’re inhabited by messy students with typical college stuff, plus like 100 Gladware containers each. Sponsorship! Christopher says cooking in a dorm room is “like cooking a three course meal on a car engine.” What? Then Hubert is apparently also a DJ?!!? I don’t know, but all of a sudden Hubert’s talking about how he never went to college and how cooking is sort of like playing music and then there’s this awesome purple-y wizard shot of him at turntables. He also goes to the dorm showers to cook his macaroni and cheese, as any whipped cream mouse-creating wizard DJ would.

We learn college students are judging and Michael says that will be interesting because “their palates are just emerging.” The critics are there, too: Gael Greene from New York magazine, Jay Rayner from The Observer and James Oseland, editor-in-chief of Saveur. First course: they start with Tim Love’s scallop carpaccio. One student says, “That’s interesting,” which I guess is because her palate is just emerging? Second course: A girl says Michael’s cabbage soup is like “an adventure in her mouth.” It looks bland from here, but everyone seems pleased. Hubert’s carrot and pea soup is cinnamon-y. The host says she “likes cinnamon, so she likes the taste of it.” Hmm. Tim Love’s pozole actually looks hearty and delicious. Third course: Everyone loves Hubert’s prawn macaroni and cheese (shockingly, it seems in part because of and not despite the fact that he prepared it in a DORMITORY RESTROOM) and Christopher’s hot plate pork chop. After commercial, we come back to a shot of Hubert, trying to figure out how to turn off a microwave. Then Michael goes on about how he has “no idea” what a microwave does or is, or something. And then it goes back to commercials.

CRITICS TABLE
The chefs all leave the room to have a drink. The critics seem really impressed that they cooked with “meager equipment in a tiny space,” as Gael says, and then they all basically repeat that same sentiment over and over. Which, I mean, wasn’t that the point? Gael goes on about how nice the ingredients in the cabbage soup were. Jay is “almost lost in admiration” over Tim Love’s freezer story. Gael babbles on like a loopy old church woman about how amazing his comeback was.

Lots of dramatic music as the chefs come back in and then more of those stars. Michael ends up with 13 and a half total, Tim Love gets 14 and a half, Christopher gets 19 and Hubert gets 20 and a half to take the win and move on to the Championship Round, so we’ll see him back in a few weeks…? Everyone else goes home. Michael says he’s glad he did this and it was a humbling experience. Tim Love says cowboy things, something about “what he says out on the trail” and that it’s time to “hitch up his wagon” or some shit.

So, on that note, I guess it’s time for me to hitch up my wagon as well.

Check out Top Chef Masters exit interviews below.