Ah, Chicago. A world-class city worthy of the Olympics, with a transit system that isn’t worthy of either.

Here are five things to do today.

COMEDY - The Armando Diaz Theatrical Experience and Hootenanny
The Armando—improv from iO’s finest—has been kicking ass recently; see it before its top players inevitably skirt off to LA. iO Del Close Theater, 3541 N Clark St between Cornelia and Eddy Sts (773-880-0199). El: Red to Addison. Bus: 22 Clark (24hrs), 152 Addison. 8:30pm, $12.

GAY & LESBIAN - How to Eat a Peach: Pleasuring Her
Sexpert Midori teaches the orally inclined how to pleasure a woman just right. For gay, straight and trans folk. 7:30pm. Early 2 Bed, 5232 N Sheridan Rd at Foster Ave (773-271-1219). El: Red to Berwyn. Bus: 146, 147, 151 (24hrs). $25, students $15.

MUSEUMS & CULTURE - Ham-BINGO
It’s dinner, bingo and drag queens all rolled into one at this weekly charity event in which diners play drag-hosted bingo while local charities (such as TPAN, TreeHouse Animal Foundation and Chicago Filmmakers) benefit from the mayhem. 8pm. Hamburger Mary’s, 5400 N Clark St at Balmoral Ave (773-784-6969). Bus: 22 Clark (24hrs) 92 Foster. $5 suggested donation.

SHOPPING & STYLE - Jayson Home and Garden
Transforming your home into the Garden of Eden just got a lot cheaper. Find an assortment of plants, trees, shrubs and perennials marked up to 75% off at this sale. The event, which ends on Sept 14, also includes deals on garden containers and planters. With deals this good, even Adam and Eve would spruce up their patch of green. 9am–8pm. Jayson Home & Garden. 1885 N Clybourn Ave between Kenmore and Sheffield Aves (773-248-8180, jaysonhomeandgarden.com). El: Red to North/Clybourn. Bus: 72 North, 73 Armitage.

SPORTS & REC -  “Sports, Poetry and Resistance: Looking for Democracy in American Culture”
Our heroic leader Dave Zirin (author of A People’s History of Sports in the United States) and spoken-word artist Kevin Coval lead this talk that hopes to break down the imagined barriers between sports and politics. Zirin is one of the few sportswriters worth paying attention to, so we highly recommend what’s going to be a powerful exchange of ideas. 6:30–8:30pm. Chicago Cultural Center, Garland Room, fifth floor, 78 E Washington St at Michigan Ave (312-744-6630). El: Red to Lake; Orange, Pink, Green, Brown, Purple (rush hrs) to Randolph. Metra: Elec Main to Millennium Station.FREE!