Before watching last night’s Top Chef episode, I was fairly confident that salad could not be sexy. And after watching the episode? Yup. Still not sexy.

But Sam Talbot? Holy sesame. If my mother didn’t have access to the internet, I’d make five or six jokes about tossing salad right now. Suffice it to say, he totally had me on the sexy salad thing for a minute. (For those of you who didn’t actually see the episode, I should explain that Sam was the guest judge [because he won season two…oh, wait…] and the Quickfire challenge was to make a salad—a sexy salad—in a generous 45 minutes.) Sam had this attitude about him that seemed to scream “I don’t care! I’m sexy Sam! Top Chef is so over! I haven’t cooked since the show ended! I love chunky necklaces!” And yet I was still following his lead like a street dog in heat.

But then Padma said “sexy salad” and I almost puked. It was a reality check. Salads aren’t sexy. You could make love in a Jacuzzi full of spinach and ranch dressing, and they still wouldn’t be sexy.

Moving on: I thought for sure that Richard’s salad, which was a ceviche of vegetables, would win. But Sam didn’t like it. He also didn’t like Stephanie’s salad, because she didn’t finish it. (I hate to admit it, but he’s right—Grant Achatz could make a floating salad in 45 minutes, so why Stephanie couldn’t complete hers is kind of ridiculous.) He didn’t like Lisa’s either, and Lisa looked like she was going to attack him and claw his sexy little nose off. But he liked Antonia’s salad (“There’s nothing sexier than breaking a yolk,” he said. [Note: This is completely not true.]) And he loved Spike’s.

So Spike won. And that was the beginning of this week’s drama.

Spike did not get immunity for winning the Quickfire. Instead, he got an advantage. The elimination challenge was to protect a bunch of policepeople’s health by serving them a healthy lunch box that included a lean protein, a whole grain, a fruit and a vegetable. (Note: The awful “protect and serve” pun is not mine—Padma actually said this. And she didn’t even wince.) Spike’s advantage consisted of ten extra minutes of cooking time, plus the ability to use his ingredients exclusively. In other words, whatever he chose was off limits to the other chefs.

Turns out Spike is a complete asshole, and I officially take back anything nice I said about the man. Just to screw the other chefs over he bought lettuce, chicken, bread and tomatoes. Then he pranced around the store like a pretty ballerina, waving to the chefs the whole time. When he got back to the kitchen he tied a pink bandana around his head (honestly, that was the move that offended me the most.)

Okay, so everybody was pretty confident about their dishes. Andrew was all “I STUDIED nutrition so I’m going to make something RAW that will BLOW the judge’s MINDS even though I’m serving this food to the POLICE  and they’ll likely BEAT me with their NIGHTSTICKS when I serve them completely UNCOOKED food.” Actually, his thoughts didn’t go that far. But almost.

Stephanie made soup and a veggie puree, Dale made something Asian, Andrew made sushi, Spike made—surprise!—chicken salad, Richard made burritos, Antonia made something completely forgettable and Lisa made a stir-fry with a pineapple hot sauce. When Tom came by and tasted the hot sauce the producers almost had to the call the paramedics. Lisa was all: “What? Chicagoans like spicy food, okay?”

Go to hell, Lisa.

Then there was more drama. Lisa was making some rice and when she went to check on it, she found that the heat had been turned up and her rice was ruined. “WHO F**KED WITH MY RICE?” she roared. It was like she was the Incredible Hulk, only more butch. The chefs rolled their eyes, and in their interviews were basically like “that girl is nuts and we’re totally scared of her.”

Then the chefs only had a few more minutes left and Dale was running around and he fell into some trash and—what do you know—his hair didn’t move an inch.

The policepeople were more into the healthy food than I thought they would be. Richard kept on asking them “Do you like burritos? Do you like burritos? Do you like 36-year-old men with Mohawks? Do you like it when those men serve you burritos?” And you know what? Policepeople DO like burritos. But the judges were kind of tepid about them. They liked Stephanie’s soup, and Dale’s Asian thang. Dale won. He was all “I’ve won 5 out of the 20 challenges,” and I guess he’s counting the Quickfire challenges because otherwise that statement doesn’t make any sense. Or maybe Dale is just living in an alternative universe where he’s incredibly awesome.

Tom looked disgusted when he was eating Andrew’s sushi—it was all over his hands. But let’s think about this. Is that Andrew’s fault? No. It’s Tom’s fault. BECAUSE HE WAS EATING SUSHI WITH HIS HANDS.

Anyway, Andrew, Lisa and Spike were on the chopping block. I was praying that Lisa would go. The Hulk in her was totally coming out. When the judges asked her why she thought she was there, she was like: “Shiiiit, you invited me here, you tell me.” Do you think this is how she acts on job interviews? I can see it now:

Interviewer: So, Lisa, tell us why you want to work here.
Lisa: Screw you, dickwad!

Long story short, all three of them were defensive. Spike was like “Your opinion is just one opinion” and Tom was like “Well my opinion is the opinion that matters.” Snap! Actually, make that TWO snaps, because earlier Spike said to Tom “What don’t you understand about salty and sweet?” but if Spike had been paying attention he would have seen that Tom clearly knows about being salty.

Case in point: When he told Andrew that his food didn’t taste good, Andrew started twitching and bouncing and kind of sort of breakdancing and was like “I’ve studied nutrition for two years” but nobody seemed to believe him because, as I’ve said before, he always seems like he’s withdrawing from crack, and how many crack addicts do you know who have studied nutrition? Anyway, Andrew retorted to Tom:

“What? My food didn’t taste good? Well that’s funny, because I had people coming back for seconds!”

And Tom was like: “They were coming back because they were hungry, and because you’re a freakshow and they wanted a second look.” Only he didn’t say that last part.

Finally, the judges were like: “Is there anything else?” and Lisa basically said this:

“I’m a terrible person and I want to throw Andrew under the bus so I’m going to point my finger at him and tell you that there was no grain in his dish so you should kick him off and keep me on because what America needs right now is less crack addicts and more unbearable women with noserings.”

Obviously, Andrew was pissed. And he was staring at Lisa in the waiting room and I kept on waiting for his head to explode and Antonia was like “Ew, Andrew, stop, it’s totally freaking me out” and then Andrew was kicked off the show. Spike was like: “Andrew and I are going to be boys forever! I’m 100% sure about that.” And Padma said to Andrew “I look forward to eating your food again” and Andrew said “Oh you will” and it sounded kind of ominously sexual. Maybe there’s a sexy salad in their future?

Ew. I hope not.